An Actual Conversation with a Lesbian at a Trade Exhibition

Ethan:  (approaches very masculine woman with an exhibitor’s pass that says “Everdyke”)  Excuse me, I have to ask:  What does your company, Everdyke, do?

Woman:  That’s not a company.  It’s my last name.

An Actual Conversation with Hunter’s Two-and-a-Half-Year Old Daughter

Submitted by Hunter

Elmo (voiced by Two-and-a-Half-Year-Old):  Come on, Monkey!  We go school!

Monkey (voiced by Mom):  We’re going to school?  Fun!  What happens at school?

Elmo (Two-and-a-Half-Year-Old):  Make a friends!

Monkey (Mom):  That’s right! You get to make friends at school.  What else happens at school?

Elmo (Two-and-a-Half-Year-Old):  Boys!


An Actual Conversation With My Comedy Partner About William and Kate’s Baby

Dave:  I need to come up with a Tweet about William and Kate’s baby.

Ethan:  I’ll help you.

Dave:  Something about a “royal placenta?”

Ethan:  What about a red carpet coming out of Kate’s vagina…

Dave:  ”The baby of Kate Middleton…will have a great little grin!”

Dave’s Cousin:  It’s frightening that you guys actually do this for a living.


An Actual Conversation with a Homeless Sax Player on the L Train

Submitted by Alex

Homeless Sax Man:  (sights hot girl)  Hey, girl.  I’d like to satisfy all your wildest carnival desires.

Hot Subway Girl:  (promptly departs)

Alex: …Did you mean “carnal?”

Homeless Sax Man:  (ignores and starts playing saxaphone)  Ladies and gentlemen, if you give me some money, then I will STOP PLAYING.


An Actual Conversation with my Fiancée In Belgium

Ethan:  (sighting a graffiti penis on a wall)  Oh, oh… you gotta take a picture of me with this.

Fiancée:  No, that’s disgusting.

Ethan:  Come on!

Fiancée:  …And immature.

Ethan:  Please, I need to post it on Facebook for my friends!

Fiancée:  That’s why I don’t want to take it.

Ethan:  (gets in position)  Real quick, let’s go!

Fiancee:  (takes photo)  Ugh.  There, are you happy?

Ethan:  (looks at pic on camera)  Very.