Dealer: So we’re going with this ring?
Ethan: Yeah, it’s — (cell phone buzzes) Ha, what a coincidence. Just got a text from my girlfriend.
Dealer: What’d she say?
Ethan: She’s talking about TV. She said, “Bachelor finale tonight!”
Dealer: (stares at Ethan) Truer words have never been spoken.
Mom: Ethan — I thought of the worst possible name for a seafood restaurant.
Ethan: …And what would that be?
Mom: “Sphincter Mussels!”
Ethan: Oh, Jesus.
Mom: I think it’s so funny!
Ethan: (starts typing into phone)
Mom: No…Don’t write this down for your website. Please… You know what? I’m just not gonna talk anymore.
Girlfriend: I don’t want to shower tonight.
Ethan: Did you shower this morning?
Ethan: Ew, that’s gross. You can’t not shower everyday.
Girlfriend: Says who?
Ethan: That’s the common standard! Everyone showers once a day.
Girlfriend: Not homeless people.
Ethan: So? How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go? Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?
Andrew: Dude, you “guaranteed” an 80% response rate.
Andrew: And only ONE girl wrote back.
Ethan: Well, we only went after girls who reply “very selectively”…. Give it some time.
Andrew: No. Forget it. You’re a sham. You’re like the Bernie Madoff of online dating.
Ethan: Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.
Friend: Yeah, dude. Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.