May 2013
3 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with my Girlfriend About...
Girlfriend: I don’t want to shower tonight.
Ethan: Did you shower this morning?
Girlfriend: No.
Ethan: Ew, that’s gross. You can’t not shower everyday.
Girlfriend: Says who?
Ethan: That’s the common standard! Everyone showers once a day.
Girlfriend: Not homeless people.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with my Brother About...
Ethan: So? How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go? Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?
Andrew: Dude, you “guaranteed” an 80% response rate.
Ethan: And…
Andrew: And only ONE girl wrote back.
Ethan: Well, we only went after girls who reply “very selectively”…. Give it some time.
Andrew: No. Forget it. You’re a sham....
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Manhattanite Friend...
Ethan: Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.
Friend: Yeah, dude. Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.
April 2013
4 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Andrea's 6-Year-Old...
Andrea: Today is my birthday!
6-Year-Old-Son: How old are you, Mom?
Andrea: I’m 50.
6-Year-Old-Son: (to a stranger) My Mom doesn’t look a day older than when she was 49.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Family While...
Ethan: I can’t believe I volunteered to sleep on this thing. This pull-out sucks.
Andrew: Have fun on that tonight, while I’m in my regular human-bed.
Ethan: And this blanket — it’s disgusting.
Dad: (half asleep already, mumbling) Maybe you should blacklight it for semen stains.
5 tags
An Actual Conversation with Scott's Mom About the...
Submitted by Scott
Mom: I wasn’t able to load contacts into my email, and the computer started running really slow, so I called Outlook and they helped me out.
Scott: You called “Outlook?”
Mom: Yep, Microsoft Outlook. They walked me through the problem. Turns out that people are getting onto my…not my Scottrade account…but onto my internet.
Scott: Your “internet?”...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation With My Family During a...
(Will.i.am and Britney Spears’s “Scream & Shout” plays on the car radio)
Brother: Ugh, change this.
Ethan: Jesus, what is this?
Dad: (turns the music up, nodding head)
Brother: Is this really still happening? Change it!
Dad: No! I like it while we’re driving. Makes me feel like we’re in a music video. (continues nodding)
March 2013
4 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Friend Amit in A...
Ethan: Want to see if we can get a drink?
Amit: Sure.
(Amit and Ethan leave their hotel room and search for a bar in lobby)
Ethan: Damn. There’s nothing down here.
Amit: (looks around, grabs a coffee stirrer)
Ethan: What the hell do you need that for?
Amit: I gotta get something out of this trip.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Dan's Iranian Mother
Submitted by Dan Ahdoot
Mom: Deh girl from Zero Dark Thirty ees going out with a cunt!
Dan: A what?
Mom: A cunt.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Mom: A cunt! Like Cunt Dracula!
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with An NYC Taxi Driver
Submitted by Morgan
Morgan: (realizes she has been sitting on a bag of cocaine) Um, excuse me? I think another passenger might have left some drugs in your car….
Driver: People never check! I drive all over town returning phones and wallets. Thanks for telling me, kid.
Morgan: Sure.
Driver: You know…I won’t judge if you take it. (pause) Maybe it’s a good day...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation While In Bed With My...
Girlfriend: Oh, gross. Did you fart?
Ethan: Yeah.
Girlfriend: It stinks!
Ethan: Oh, whatever, it’s not like you’ve never done it before.
Girlfriend: At least I dont do it under the covers like a…Russian…Piano…
Ethan: You mean a “Dutch Oven?”
Girlfriend: Whatever, same thing.
February 2013
4 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation While Driving to a Dave and...
Dave: Man, you’re a terrible driver.
Ethan: Look, we both have complimentary strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes us a good team.
Dave: Right, we’re like Apple: I’m Steve Jobs, and you’re the fat guy.
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with Joel's Mom About the...
Submitted by Joel, The Daily Guru
Mom: So, I hear the flu is bad in New York City.
Joel: Eh, you know, the media likes to make stories where they don’t need to. It sells papers.
Mom: Oh, I’m not worried — you won’t get the flu.
Joel: Yeah, me and my magic immune system…
Mom: Not so much that as your combination of slightly-OCD hand washing and legendary...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Myself, Upon Waking...
This is an actual email I sent to myself at 4:36AM upon briefly waking from a dream:
———————————————————————-
From: Ethan Fixell <efixell@gmail.com> 4:36 AM (1 day ago)
To: Me <efixell@gmail.com>
It would...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Guy on the Train...
Submitted by Jake
Man: I’m sorry, a can of Axe exploded in my bag while I was working out. When I changed back into my clothes, they smelled like this.
Jake: Uh huh…
Man: It’s true! …I must smell awful.
Jake: Like Axe. It’s OK.
Man: I could change back into my workout clothes, but they’re all ripped and smell like sweat.
Jake: (focusing on phone)...
January 2013
4 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a TSA Agent at DCA...
TSA Officer: I told that mothaf*cka — I told him he can’t do that….
TSA Officer 2: Mmm hmm.
TSA Officer: I told him he chickensh*t!
Ethan: (waiting to present boarding pass) Yeah, f*ck that guy.
TSA Officer: (stares at Ethan)
Ethan: I’m sorry, uh…(clears throat)…is there pre-check at this airport?
TSA Officer: No. (long pause…leans in) But...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Billy's Grandma About...
Submitted by Billy
Billy: I’ll give you some privacy while you change your shirt.
Grandma: Why?
Billy: What? ”Why?” Because I don’t want to see that!
Grandma: Oh. Yeah, I don’t like ‘em either.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Mom About Hip-Hop
Mom: Which celebrity was interviewed?
Ethan: You don’t know him. Nas.
Mom: I know Nas. He’s a black rapper.
Ethan: He’s a black rapper?
Mom: He’s not a black rapper?
Ethan: He is, but why do you need to specify his race along with his profession?
Mom: I was just letting you know I know exactly who he is.
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with Hunter's Mom About...
Submitted by Hunter
Mom: Drive safely, okay?
Whitney: We’ll take some shots before we head out.
Hunter: (mimes driving with her eyes closed)
Mom: Okay, okay. And you can all go mushrooming.
Hunter: What?
Whitney: She means ‘shrooming. Like, psychedelics.
Mom: No, I didn’t.
Whitney: Then what are you talking about?
Mom: I mean those morons that go out into the...
December 2012
4 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Dad About Facebook
Dad: Can I ask you something about Facebook?
Ethan: Yeah…
Dad: Ever since you signed me up, I get all these goddamned messages: “Joe Shmegegge wants to be your friend.” Joe Shmegegge? Who is Joe Shmegegge?? I get requests all day from this guy, and that guy…what is this? Who ARE all these people, and WHY DO THEY WANT TO BE MY FRIEND??
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend About...
Girlfriend: Are you glad to be home?
Ethan: Definitely!
Girlfriend: Do you have enough to keep yourself busy?
Ethan: Oh, yeah! I have TV, video games, and I have you now.
Girlfriend: Aww, that’s so sweet!
Ethan: Why?
Girlfriend: You have me to make you happy!
Ethan: Oh. I, uh…I actually meant YouNow.com. It’s a website.
Girlfriend: Oh. (long pause) Well,...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with my Dad About An Online...
Dad: Have you tried Fresh Direct?
Ethan: Yup, they’re great.
Dad: Yeah, I love them. They have all that healthy, organic stuff. Like…antibiotic chicken salad.
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Concession Guy at an...
Submitted by Ginny
Ginny: Excuse me? I asked for Diet Coke. This is Dr. Pepper.
Concession Guy: Oh, we didn’t have Diet Coke. So I gave you Dr. Pepper instead.
Ginny: Do you have anything diet?
Concession Guy: Of course, we have Diet Pepsi. Why, do you want that?
November 2012
5 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend About My...
Ethan: (singing along with a Bad Religion song)
Girlfriend: Why are you listening to The Beets?
Ethan: What?
Girlfriend: Isn’t that The Beets? From Doug, on Nickelodeon?
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Post Office Worker...
Submitted by Lilia
Post Office Lady: How many passports did you say you’ve been issued?
Lilia: Five.
Post Office Lady: (pause) And how many are you in possession of today?
Lilia: Zero. …But I have copies of all of them.
Post Office Lady: Do you have a valid driver’s license?
Lilia: No. But I have my expired license… Or at least, a copy of it. And the...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Mom About Going to...
Ethan: Where’s Andrew?
Mom: He’s dropping some kids off at the school.
Ethan: …What?
Mom: You know… dropping some…”kids” off at the… “school.” (points to the bathroom)
Ethan: You mean “pool.”
Mom: Oh. …I got it. …I just got it.
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with Ariana's 7th Grade...
Submitted by Ariana
Ariana: Anyone have any thoughts on the outcome of the election?
Student: I’m glad Obama won!
Ariana: And why is that?
Student: If Romney won, my family would go back to being slaves ‘cause he’s a Morphin.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Mom At A Dinner...
Mom: You’re eating too fast.
Ethan: I just need to get it in me quickly.
Mom: That’s what she said.
Ethan: That’s disgusting.
Mom: Yeah, but it was funny. It was really funny.
October 2012
4 posts
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Customer at a...
Submitted by Megan
Customer: (ringing up vasoline and hotdogs) It’s okay. You can laugh.
Megan: Oh…I didn’t even notice…
Customer: They’re not even for me—they’re for my grandfather.
Megan: (trying not to stare)
Customer: I don’t ask questions.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with A Waitress at a New...
Waitress: What would you like?
Ethan: Man, I can’t decide between the burrito and the taco salad…
Waitress: Well, it depends whether you want a burrito…or a salad.
Ethan: (long pause) Sure. Right. How do they compare, though?
Waitress: They’re both completely different.
Ethan: (another long pause) Yeah. Okay. But I guess I’m asking if you have any...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Father-Son Movers at...
Father: Son, we’re not doin’ the next job. We goin’ home.
Son: (carrying 46” TV with Ethan) Why?
Father: It’s Grandpa. HE DEAD!
Son: (starts crying)
Ethan: Hey, um…I’m real sorry, guys. But this TV is really heavy.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with A Maid at a Milwaukee,...
Maid: (Knocks loudly) Hello, housekeeping?
Ethan: No thanks.
Maid: Hello, housekeeping!
Ethan: No thanks!
Maid: (Opens door) Hello, housekeeping…
Ethan: N—
Maid: (Sees ethan on toilet) OH!
Ethan: Yeah, I think I’m good here.
September 2012
4 posts
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with my Mom About An...
Mom: You have to admit, I’m a pretty cool mom.
Ethan: Right…
Mom: Do any of your friend’s moms know how to Gang Man Style?
Ethan: ”Gang Man” style?
Mom: WOMP…WOMP WOMP WOMP! (pretends to ride a horse) GANG MAN STYLE!
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Face Tattooed Guy in...
Face Tattoo: YO! Where Park Avenue at?
Ethan: Um, two avenues east. (Points) That way.
Face Tattoo: (stares at Ethan) Man, thank you. I’m tryin to stop other colored people, they keep walkin’. They SCARED, or some sh*t!
Ethan: (laughs nervously)
Face Tattoo: Finally I see the white boy with tattoos… now I know that’s whassup.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with my Mom About Actual...
Mom: Listen, I dont want you putting my conversations up there anymore.
Ethan: Up where?
Mom: “Actual Conversations.”
Ethan: Okay.
Mom: Seriously, stop writing articles about me…and things….and Youtubes.
Ethan: ”Youtubes?”
Mom: Stop it! Stop typing while I’m talking to you!
Ethan: (typing)
Mom: I know where you live.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Mom While Staying...
Mom: (points to end of couch) Lie with your head here.
Ethan: Why does it matter?
Mom: I dont want your feet over there.
Ethan: Man, there’re a lot of rules at this hotel…
Mom: And don’t fart on my couch, either.
Ethan: What could a fart do? It can’t stay in the couch forever.
Mom: It could, if its potent enough. Dad’s done it.
August 2012
4 posts
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Cashier at "Hot &...
Submitted by Julie Kraut
Cashier: (looks at Julie’s credit card) Oh, Julia! Are you Julia Stiles?
Julie: No.
Cashier: She lives around here, you know?
Julie: Yeah, sometimes I see her. Does she come here?
Cashier: Yes!
Julie: Oh, then you knew I wasn’t her. I don’t look like her at all.
Cashier: Well, yeah. And she’d never order carbs like this.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My 6-Year-Old Cousin...
Ethan: So what would you buy with a million dollars?
6-Year-Old: (thinking hard) A mansion.
Ethan: That would be cool.
6-Year-Old Cousin: …a Maybach Landaulet…
Ethan: Well, we might be a little over budget now…
6-Year-Old: …and a bank.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Dan and Two Women in...
Submitted by Dan
Woman 1: What floor?
Dan: Twelve, please.
Woman 1: (to Woman 2) I saw Sally last week.
Woman 2: Oh, yeah?
Woman 1: Yeah, she really looks fit. Probably lost 10 kilos. Not that she needed to lose anything, but she really looked great.
Woman 2: So she’s doing really well then!
Woman 1: Actually, no. She lost the weight because of an auto-immune disease.
...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Family in My...
Dad: I just saw two girls go into an apartment on your floor. Do you know them?
Ethan: No, I don’t.
Dad: One of them was very attractive. Maybe a little…”promiscuous” — but a nice figure…
Andrew: Did you try to f*ck her?
Mom: (horrified) Andrew!
Andrew: Sorry. Did you try to have sex with her?
July 2012
4 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Stranger in Penn...
Stranger: (Panting, sweating, eyes dilated) Excuse me, do know where to find a train that can take me out of the country?
Ethan: Um…
Stranger: Anywhere? …Canada. Is there a…train that will take me to Canada?
Ethan: I don’t—
Stranger: The quickest way out!
Ethan: (visibly nervous) Maybe Amtrak…(points) that way?
Stranger: Dude, relax, I’m...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Guest at the...
Submitted by Kaylee 20-Year-Old Woman: Hey, is that a koala?
Kaylee: Huh?
20-Year-Old Woman: Swimming over there. Is that a koala?
Kaylee: ….You mean the sea otter?
3 tags
An Actual Conversation in Port Elizabeth Airport,...
Ethan: (walks through metal detector and sets it off)
Security Guard: Come here.
Ethan: Okay.
Security Guard: Arms up. (scans Ethan with a wand, which beeps uncontrollably on every part of his body)
Ethan: Wow. I don’t know what’s going on…
Security Guard: (shrugs) Oh well. Go ahead.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Friend's...
Friend’s 16 Year-Old Cousin: Oh my GOD, I saw Turtle the other day!
Ethan: Who?
Friend’s 16 Year-Old Cousin: Um, Turtle? From Entourage?!?
Ethan: Oh. Right.
Friend’s 16 Year-Old Cousin: And also, that old guy from Meet the Fokkers.
Ethan: Dustin Hoffman?
Friend’s 16 Year-Old Cousin: Ben Stiller’s dad. Is that his name?
June 2012
4 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Andrea's 6-Year-Old...
Submitted by Andrea
6-Year-Old: (blurting out) Did you fart, Daddy?
(strangers look over)
6-Year-Old: Mommy, did you fart?
Andrea: No, but —
6-Year-Old: Well, I know someone in here farted…. Who farted in here? (to entire gift shop) Come on, I KNOW SOMEONE FARTED IN HERE!
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with my Girlfriend About...
Girlfriend: Ugh, I don’t want to turn 26…
Ethan: Why not?
Girlfriend: It’s so close to 30. And 30 feels like death.
Ethan: …You…do know that I’m 30…right?
Girlfriend: …Oh. Right. Sucks.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a 3-Year-Old About...
Submitted by Morgan
3-Year-Old: (eyeing Morgan’s stir-fry) Can I eat some of your cheese?
Morgan: That’s not cheese, it’s tofu. Want a bite?
3-Year-Old: No thanks, I don’t like toad food.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Guests at the Aquarium...
Submitted by Kaylee
Mother: (to 4-year-old daughter) Look, those are piranhas! They’ll eat you!
4-Year-Old Daughter: (terrified, unable to speak)
Kaylee: (laughing) No, they won’t eat you.
Mother: Yes…they will. Piranhas are flesh-eating fish.
Kaylee: Yes, but they eat fish — not children.
Mother: They eat flesh.
Kaylee: Fish…have flesh…
Mother: (to...
May 2012
5 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend While...
Ethan: (whispering) That’s Stan Lee!
Girlfriend: (also whispering) Who?
Ethan: He created The Avengers. Like, the actual comic book.
Girlfriend: Oh.
(five minutes later)
Girlfriend: That’s the guy who played the dad on My So Called Life!
Ethan: No. No, it’s not.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Andrea's 6-Year-Old...
Submitted by Andrea
6-Year-Old Son: What are you doing?
Man: (making deposit at ATM) Well, you need to put money into the machine in order to get it out.
6-Year-Old Son: Oh. (Man leaves)
Andrea: Wait here, next to me. (gets cash from ATM)
6-Year-Old Son: …Mommy?
Andrea: Yes?
6-Year-Old Son: Did you just take that guy’s money?
