Dealer:  So we’re going with this ring?

Ethan:  Yeah, it’s — (cell phone buzzes)  Ha, what a coincidence.  Just got a text from my girlfriend.

Dealer:  What’d she say?

Ethan:  She’s talking about TV.  She said, “Bachelor finale tonight!”

Dealer:  (stares at Ethan)  Truer words have never been spoken.

Mom:  Ethan — I thought of the worst possible name for a seafood restaurant.

Ethan:  …And what would that be?

Mom:  “Sphincter Mussels!”

Ethan:  Oh, Jesus.

Mom:  I think it’s so funny!

Ethan:  (starts typing into phone)

Mom:  No…Don’t write this down for your website.  Please…  You know what?  I’m just not gonna talk anymore.

Girlfriend:  I don’t want to shower tonight.

Ethan:  Did you shower this morning?

Girlfriend:  No.

Ethan:  Ew, that’s gross.  You can’t not shower everyday.

Girlfriend:  Says who?

Ethan:  That’s the common standard!  Everyone showers once a day. 

Girlfriend:  Not homeless people.

Ethan:  So?  How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go?  Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?

Andrew:  Dude, you “guaranteed” an 80% response rate.

Ethan:  And…

Andrew:  And only ONE girl wrote back.

Ethan:  Well, we only went after girls who reply “very selectively”…. Give it some time.

Andrew:  No.  Forget it.  You’re a sham.  You’re like the Bernie Madoff of online dating.

Ethan:  Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.

Friend:  Yeah, dude.  Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.

Andrea:  Today is my birthday!  

6-Year-Old-Son:  How old are you, Mom?

Andrea:  I’m 50.

6-Year-Old-Son:  (to a stranger)  My Mom doesn’t look a day older than when she was 49.

Ethan:  I can’t believe I volunteered to sleep on this thing.  This pull-out sucks.

Andrew:  Have fun on that tonight, while I’m in my regular human-bed.

Ethan:  And this blanket — it’s disgusting.

Dad:  (half asleep already, mumbling)  Maybe you should blacklight it for semen stains.

Submitted by Scott

Mom:  I wasn’t able to load contacts into my email, and the computer started running really slow, so I called Outlook and they helped me out.

Scott:  You called “Outlook?”

Mom:  Yep, Microsoft Outlook.  They walked me through the problem.  Turns out that people are getting onto my…not my Scottrade account…but onto my internet.

Scott:  Your “internet?”  Do you mean your network?

Mom:  I’ve seen them outside, parked.  We’re getting all of their viruses.

Scott:  Wait, but — you don’t even use Outlook.

Mom:  I used to use Firefox…

Scott:  Fire…. Mom, that’s totally different. Firefox is a web browser. Outlook is email software. And you may have called Microsoft, which is a company.  All unrelated.

Mom:  Did I do something wrong?

Scott:  No, you didn’t do anything wrong.  You’re just not using the right words and as a result, this is making no sense.

Mom:  (long pause)  Is it because of the people getting onto my internet?

(Will.i.am and Britney Spears’s “Scream & Shout” plays on the car radio)  

Brother:  Ugh, change this.

Ethan:  Jesus, what is this?

Dad:  (turns the music up, nodding head)

Brother:  Is this really still happening?  Change it!

Dad:  No!  I like it while we’re driving.  Makes me feel like we’re in a music video.  (continues nodding)

Ethan:  Want to see if we can get a drink?

Amit:  Sure.

(Amit and Ethan leave their hotel room and search for a bar in lobby)

Ethan:  Damn. There’s nothing down here.

Amit:  (looks around, grabs a coffee stirrer)

Ethan:  What the hell do you need that for?

Amit:  I gotta get something out of this trip.

Submitted by Dan Ahdoot

Mom:  Deh girl from Zero Dark Thirty ees going out with a cunt!

Dan:  A what?

Mom:  A cunt.

Dan:  What are you talking about?

Mom:  A cunt!  Like Cunt Dracula!

Submitted by Morgan

Morgan:  (realizes she has been sitting on a bag of cocaine)  Um, excuse me?  I think another passenger might have left some drugs in your car….

Driver:  People never check!  I drive all over town returning phones and wallets. Thanks for telling me, kid.

Morgan:  Sure.

Driver:  You know…I won’t judge if you take it.  (pause)  Maybe it’s a good day for an adventure?

Girlfriend:  Oh, gross.  Did you fart?

Ethan:  Yeah.

Girlfriend:  It stinks!

Ethan:  Oh, whatever, it’s not like you’ve never done it before.

Girlfriend:  At least I dont do it under the covers like a…Russian…Piano…  

Ethan:  You mean a “Dutch Oven?”

Girlfriend:  Whatever, same thing.

Dave:  Man, you’re a terrible driver.

Ethan:  Look, we both have complimentary strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes us a good team.

Dave:  Right, we’re like Apple: I’m Steve Jobs, and you’re the fat guy.

Submitted by Joel, The Daily Guru

Mom:  So, I hear the flu is bad in New York City.

Joel:  Eh, you know, the media likes to make stories where they don’t need to.  It sells papers.

Mom:  Oh, I’m not worried — you won’t get the flu.

Joel:  Yeah, me and my magic immune system…

Mom:  Not so much that as your combination of slightly-OCD hand washing and legendary anti-social behavior.

This is an actual email I sent to myself at 4:36AM upon briefly waking from a dream:

———————————————————————-

From: Ethan Fixell <efixell@gmail.com>                                          4:36 AM (1 day ago)

To: Me <efixell@gmail.com>

It would be funny to Karioke heavy songs like by Korn or Distubred in a really effimnate voice and sing wrobg words: Like “Everybody dance, everyone have fun” to that “OOOAHAHAHA” song. but in between songs you could be manly and broey like andy kaufman singing Migthy mouse.

Submitted by Jake

Man:  I’m sorry, a can of Axe exploded in my bag while I was working out.  When I changed back into my clothes, they smelled like this.

Jake:  Uh huh…

Man:  It’s true!  …I must smell awful.

Jake:  Like Axe. It’s OK.

Man:  I could change back into my workout clothes, but they’re all ripped and smell like sweat.

Jake:  (focusing on phone)  Okay.

Man:  Here?

Jake:  What?

Man:  You want me to change here?

Jake:  What?  No.

Man:  I know, I’ll put my gym clothes on over these clothes. (opens bag and puts on sweatpants and a “Pussy Magnet” workout shirt) .…Well, now I smell like sweat AND Axe. 

Jake:  (silence)

Man:  This was a terrible idea.  I’m taking this off, okay?

Jake:  (silence)

Man:  (takes off the sweat pants and workout shirt…long pause) Just deal with it, okay buddy??  I’m getting off at the next stop.  Jesus…some people.

TSA Officer:  I told that mothaf*cka — I told him he can’t do that…. 

TSA Officer 2:  Mmm hmm.

TSA Officer:  I told him he chickensh*t!

Ethan:  (waiting to present boarding pass)  Yeah, f*ck that guy.

TSA Officer:  (stares at Ethan)

Ethan:  I’m sorry, uh…(clears throat)…is there pre-check at this airport?

TSA Officer:  No.  (long pause…leans in)  But I like your spirit.

Submitted by Billy

Billy:  I’ll give you some privacy while you change your shirt.

Grandma:  Why?

Billy:  What?  ”Why?”  Because I don’t want to see that!

Grandma:  Oh.  Yeah, I don’t like ‘em either.

Mom:  Which celebrity was interviewed?

Ethan:  You don’t know him.  Nas.

Mom:  I know Nas.  He’s a black rapper.

Ethan:  He’s a black rapper?

Mom:  He’s not a black rapper?

Ethan:  He is, but why do you need to specify his race along with his profession?

Mom:  I was just letting you know I know exactly who he is.