Ethan:  Ask me a question in Spanish, Dad.

Dad:  ¿Qué quieres comer para la cena?

Ethan:  Quiero arroz con frijoles negro, por favor.

Andrew:  Ask me one.

Dad:  Qué tiempo hace?

(long pause)

Andrew:  …El…el hombre es…guapo…por favor…

Ethan:  Jesus…didn’t you take Spanish for five years?  I’ve been learning for three months and I already speak better than you.

Mom:  Andrew knows Non-Conversational Spanish.

Ethan:  ….What the hell is that?

Mom:  He may not be able to converse, but he knows lots of random, unrelated phrases.  Like “The girl wears pants.”  Or, “We have no milk.”  Right, Andrew?

Andrew:  (bows head in shame)

Submitted by Mike Fagan

Teenage Girl 1:  What the f*ck is a yucca?

Teenage Girl 2:  It’s like a ghetto potato.

Mike:  I’m putting this on the internet.

Submitted by Allison

Allison:  Ma’am, I’m really sorry.  During surgery, we discovered your dog has an infection.  You’re going to have to take him to another vet for further treatment.

Dog Owner:  Really?  I already took him to another vet, who said he had…something.  And he then gave him some stuff.  Is that what caused the infection?

Allison:  Unfortunately, I can’t determine if the stuff or the something is what caused this particular infection.

Dog Owner:  Awwwww, sh*t.  That’s a bummer.

GF:  What’s your favorite death metal band?

Ethan:  Probably Cannibal Corpse.  Or maybe Pig Destroyer — but they’re really grindcore, not death metal.

GF:  Grindcore?

Ethan:  Yeah, like Napalm Death.

GF:  Is that what’s playing now?

Ethan:  No, this is Cattle Decapitation.

GF:  Oh.  Sorry.  I usually get them confused with Fetus Baby Dinnertime.

Submitted by Becca

Blond Southern Lady:  I wonder where they think girls like us would possibly carry explosives!

Becca:  Maybe in our boobs?

Blond Southern Lady:  I just don’t understand — what ever happened to racial profiling?  I mean, if you’re wearing a birka or a turban, you should get “randomly selected.”

Becca:  (look of disbelief)

Blond Southern Lady:  Oh.  Oh, no.  You’re not…. You’re not an… Islam, are you?

Becca:  (greater look of disbelief)

Blond Southern Lady: (noticing MA state drivers license)  Oh!  You’re just a Northern Liberal!  Thank Jesus, you had me worried for a sec.

Ethan:  (getting into backseat of car)  What are all these apples doing here?

Andrew:  Mom and Dad bought them at the Farmer’s Market.

Mom:  Don’t step on them.

Ethan:  Oh Jesus, they’re everywhere…

(Dad starts driving)

Mom:  Move the apples before you sit down!

Ethan:  I can’t get them out, your seat is too far back!

Mom:  (moving seat even farther back)  What’s wrong with this seat?

Ethan:  (screams in pain)  You’re hurting me!

Mom:  Move the apples!

Andrew:  Mom, move your seat up!

Ethan:  You’re crushing my legs, Mom!  You’re CRUSHING MY LEGS!!!

Dad:  Does anyone want any apples?

Submitted by Elyse

Mom:  Your brother called yesterday.  He’s all moved into his new house.

Elyse:  Does he like it?

Mom:  He really loves that new kitchen.  He was so excited about it, making a cake.  He wants to make one for Christmas, too.

Elyse:  Oh, that’s nice.  Maybe i’ll—

Mom:  Do you think he’s gay?

Elyse:  Um…I don’t know…. Why?

Mom:  He really likes baking.

Dave:  This Android phone runs out of batteries in like, two seconds.

Ethan:  Mine’s not so bad…

Dave:  Yeah, because you don’t get any calls all day.  I got 10 calls just in this one car ride.  You got one.  From your Mom.

(beat)

Ethan:  That last part was unnecessary.

Submitted by my brother, Andrew

Mom:  How was [your girlfriend’s] birthday dinner?

Andrew:  Great.

Mom:  Did you have any drinks?

Andrew:  Yeah, her parents got two bottles and the restaurant gave us a free drink as well.

Dad:  What was the drink?

Andrew:  It was like a white wine, I can’t remember.

Dad:  Like Champagne?

Andrew:  No, not Cham—

Dad:  Was it a Chardonnay?

Andrew:  No—

Dad:  Pinot grigio?

Andrew:  No…

Mom:  Kahlua?

Ethan bikes very slowly down the sidewalk, one foot dragging along the street.  He stops in front of an Old Lady walking perpendicularly to him.

Old Lady:  (angrily)  HEY!

Ethan:  (waving and smiling)  Oh, hey!

Old Lady:  (glaring furiously)

Ethan:  (still waving)

Old Lady:  (still glaring)

Ethan:  (starts to bike away)

Old Lady:  You f*ck.

Dad:  Look at the scar your cat left when he scratched me.

Ethan:  When did he do that??

Dad:  Like, three years ago.

Ethan:  Oh, that was before I started trimming his claws.  …And his pubes.

Grandpa:  What are “pubes?”

Mom:  Pubic hair.

Grandpa:  (makes horrified face)

Mom:  He’s joking, Dad.

(long pause)

Mom:  …Right?

Submitted by Andrew Fixell

Girl:  Free Soap!  Free hand-made soap!

Andrew:  No, thanks.

Random Guy:  F*ck yeah, I want some soap!

Girl: Alright, here ya go!

Random Guy:  Is it made of human fat?

Girl:  (stares at Guy)  …No…

Random Guy:  Oh.  I don’t want it.  (walks away)

Submitted by Danny Macaroons

Cook:  So, what do you think about this:  Kobe beef chili with braised short rib cubes and browned beef bones sauteed in bacon fat?

Dan:  Wow.  A little excessive, no?

Cook:  Why, because of the Kobe?

Dan:  I mean, among other things…. Sounds sick, though.

Cook:  Sick?

Dan:  Yeah.

Cook:  Oh, you mean like “awesome.”

Dan:  Yeah, it sounds great.

Cook:  Like “amazing,” “fantastic…”

Dan:  Right—

Cook:  “…gay.”

Dan:  “Gay?”

Cook:  Yeah, like, “it sounds gay.”

Dan: …

Cook:  You know, like, “it’s so amazing, that it’s gay.”

Dan:  …

Mom:  Hi, Eth.

Ethan:  Hey, I’m sorry, I’m really stressed right now.  I can’t really talk…

Mom:  What’s the matter?

Ethan:  I’m trying to book a last minute flight for a potential show tomorrow and I just got another urgent work email…I still haven’t packed, my apartment is a mess, the cat won’t shut up —

Mom:  Okay, okay.  I just have one question for you.

Ethan:  What?  I’m in a rush…

Mom:  I bought two really nice wooden cutting boards from Gilt Groupe — do you want one of them?

Ethan:  …

Mom:  Because, if you do, Dad and I can drop it off at your place later tonight between 7 and 7:30 if you’re around —

Ethan:  Mom…

Mom:  — and if not, you can come by to pick it up either after 9 tonight, or tomorrow after dinnertime —

Ethan:  MOM!

Mom:  What?

Ethan:  I’m trying to do like, ten other things.  I can’t think about…cutting boards right now.

Mom:  Okay, I understand.

Ethan:  Alright, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Mom:  Okay…

Ethan:  Bye.

Mom:  Wait, so…you don’t want the cutting board?  Or should I hold onto it for you?

Ethan:  GOODBYE.