July 2010
15 posts
An Actual Conversation with a Family Selling...
Submitted by Andrew Fixell
Mom: Hi! Would you like to buy some lemonade?
Dad: Last one left!
Andrew: (to their son) Well, you’re in luck, because I have one last quarter and I’d love some lemonade.
Mom: Yay! See, Ben? Now help pour the man a cup…
(Ben refuses and starts to throw a tantrum. Mom tries to calm him down. Dad begins to pour.)
Dad: (to Andrew) You want...
An Actual Conversation with My Mom About Gmail
Ethan: Hey Mom, I’m late for an audition, and I forgot to write down the address. Can you log into my email and get it for me real quick?
Mom: Sure, what do I do?
Ethan: Go to gmail.com, and log in as “efixell,” password “******”.
Mom: Okay… (pause) Hold on. First it wants me to put in your first and last name, and your birthday, and —
Ethan: ...
An Actual Conversation with a Victoria's Secret...
Submitted by Nicole of nfactorial
VS: Would you like a complementary bra fitting?
Nicole: No, that’s okay. I know my size. Thanks, though.
VS: Oh, okay. Did you know you should get measured every 3 to 6 months? Just to make sure you’re wearing the right size?
Nicole: Yes.
VS: Have you seen our new bra?
Nicole: Yes, it’s very nice.
VS: Can I get it for you in...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Tourist Couple
Tourist Guy: Excuse me — where’s 5th Avenue?
Ethan: Oh, well…it’s kinda far, over that way (points)… What are you trying to get to?
Tourist Guy: The V-Spot? It’s a vegetarian restaurantnorth of Union Street?
Ethan: …Union Street?Do you mean Union Square?
Tourist Guy: No… (looks at map) No, it’s definitely Union Street.
Ethan: Union...
An Actual Conversation between Two Kids in...
Submitted by Chris Roberti, volunteer at a children’s creative writing organization
Matthew: What’s your biggest fear?
Kamil: Turning to the Dark Side.
Matthew: No, in real life.
Kamil: That can really happen. Anger, hatred —
Matthew: What is your biggest fear IN REAL LIFE?
Kamil: Turning. To. The Dark Side. Anger —
Matthew: Mine’s bees, yellowjackets, and...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with an Old Guy on a Stoop
Ethan: (staring at two attractive females)
Old Guy: That’s not good for the eyes, ya know.
Ethan: …Hm? What?
Old Guy: I said, “That’s not good for the eyes.”
Ethan: No, no…I…thought I recognized them, from a restaurant the other night…
Old Guy: Sure, you did…and I’m Lindsay Lohan.
An Actual Conversation with My Dad about Reggae...
Dad: Eth, who is this playing?
Ethan: It’s Peter Tosh.
(silence)
Dad: Is that Daniel Tosh’s brother?
(silence)
Ethan: Yup.
An Actual Conversation with a Drugstore Employee
Submitted by Kate Bowen
Kate: Hi, I’m looking for some anti-swelling drugs, a tensor bandage, an ankle brace, or a cane — anything that would help my fractured foot.
Drugstore Employee: Oh, we have all of that stuff. It’s just at the top of the stairs.
Kate: (blank stare) ….Why would you do that?
Drugstore Employee: (blank stare) ….I’m sorry.
An Actual Conversation with My Parents and Cat in...
Ethan: Dad, can you please drive more carefully? My cat is gonna puke.
Dad: Ethan, what do you think of Lady Gaga? Do you think she’s talented?
Ethan: Dad, seriously, please stop jerking the car or he’s gonna “gobble gobble” everywhere.
Mom: He’s gonna what?
Ethan: “Gobble gobble.” He makes a sound like a turkey when he’s about to puke.
...
An Actual Conversation with the Ladies Who Do My...
Ethan: Hey, ladies. How’s it going?
Laundry Lady 1: Good, thank you.
Laundry Lady 2: (Speaks to her sister in Chinese)
Laundry Lady 1: My sister say your tattoo is ugly.
Ethan: She’s ugly.
(Awkward silence.)
Laundry Lady 2: Thank you.
An Actual Conversation with My Mom About Walkie...
Mom: Eth, I bought walkie talkies for the house (in Connecticut).
Ethan: Why?
Mom: Because cell phones don’t work here and we need to be able to communicate! Here (handing Ethan a walkie talkie). Try it.
Ethan: Testing. One, two… Is it working?
Mom: No, you need to use your handle.
Ethan: What?
Mom: I’ve given everyone in the family CB handles. Dad is HotFeet,...
An Actual Email Conversation with My Dad
Ethan: I found this photo of Dad out to dinner….in drag! (Sent to my entire family, along with an attached photo of a woman who I think looks like my Dad)
Dad: ethan- first of all please don’t email these types of funny “insights” to my office. the firm reads all of these emails and they do not know that you are a comedian. second, i don’t look anything like...
An Actual Conversation with My Middle-Aged...
Neighbor: Oh, I love Gahdobee.
Ethan: …You….What?
Neighbor: (Pointing to Qdoba bag I’m holding) Gahdobee. I go there all the time.
Ethan: Oh. Yeah, I got a burrito.
Neighbor: They’re great.
(pause)
Neighbor: Gahdobee.
An Actual Conversation with Two Dudes at a Faith...
Drunk Guy in Wifebeater: HOW AWESOME IS FAITH NO MORE?!
Ethan: Yeah, they’re awesome.
DGIW: MY FRIEND’S NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE!!
Friend: THEY’RE AWESOME!
DGIW: HOW AWESOME IS MIKE PATTON (lead singer for ten years)?
Friend: HE’S AWESOME! HE SHOULD BE ON AMERICAN IDOL NEXT SEASON!
6 tags
Another Actual Email Conversation with My Mom
Mom: Hi, Eth. I just came across an offer for tickets to Twilight: The Eclipse, at 6pm tonight at Lincoln Square Theater. If you have any interest, let me know. Love, Mom
Ethan: That’s funny, because I just found 2 tickets to WWE Tuesday Night RAW. You’re a big fan of pro wrestling, right? Let me know if you want the tickets or if I should find someone else to take...
