August 2010
14 posts
2 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Girl From Staten...
Girl: Hey, good show tonight.
Ethan: Oh, thank you.
Girl: Yeah.
(long pause)
Girl: So, are you guys faggots?
(Visit daveandethan.com)
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Family During A Car...
Ethan: I watched a show on Criss Angel this weekend. You know where he’s from?
Mom: Where?
Andrew: China.
Ethan: No. East Meadow (Dad’s hometown). Did you know that, Dad?
Dad: I don’t even know who that is.
Mom: Criss Angel? He’s a magician!
Dad: Well, I didn’t know him in East Meadow. Does he go by a stage name now, or does he still call himself...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Family During A Car...
Ethan: Let’s play a game called “Real Band Name or Fake?”
Andrew: Soul Asylum.
Dad: Real.
Andrew: Yup.
Mom: The Gay Blades, real.
Ethan: No — you’re not supposed to tell us, we’re supposed to guess. That’s the whole point.
Dad: Why would they name themselves that? Doesn’t everyone think they’re gay?
Ethan: No, this is not even...
An Actual Conversation with My Family During A Car...
Mom: Oh, Eth, a shirt I bought for your birthday finally came in the mail today.
Ethan: …My birthday was five months ago. But thanks. What’s on the shirt?
Mom: Some band you like. I saw them listed on your Facebook page.
Ethan: Which band?
Mom: I can’t remember. “The,” uh…It’s “The…”
Dad: The Carpenters?
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Friend Before a...
Ethan: (singing) Chester Cheetah Chewed a Chunk of Cheap Cheddar Cheese! … Chester Cheetah Chewed a Chunk of Cheap Cheddar Cheese!
Friend: What are you doing?
Ethan: Warming up for the show tonight.
Friend: You mean, like: (sings) Spanish Carlos Loves to Eat Tacos!
Ethan: Uh, yeah, I guess. That’s not really a vocal warm-up, though. …Is it?
Friend: Of course it...
An Actual Conversation with a Mom and Child in a...
Submitted by HWBJ
Mom: Louden, stay with me. Stay in this row.
(pause)
Mom: Louden? …Louden?
HWBJ: He’s over here.
Mom: Thank you. Louden, only pick in this row.
(pause)
Mom: Louden — here.
(pause)
Mom: Louden — HERE!
(pause)
Mom: Louden???
(pause)
Mom: LOUDEN STOP THAT! Stop sticking them up your nose.
Louden: But Mom…they’re sweet.
An Actual Conversation with My Parents at Dinner
Dad: You know, I’ve seen a lot of Asian women dating white men lately.
Ethan: What?
Mom: He has neuropathy.
(long pause)
Ethan: …Wait…what?
Mom: Dad has peripheral neuropathy.
Ethan: Yeah, I know that — what does that have to do with him making an observation about Asian women and white men?
(yet another long pause)
Mom: … Oh. I thought he said...
An Actual Conversation with a Junkie on St. Marks...
Junkie: (pukes)
Ethan: (almost steps right into it) Whoa.
Junkie: (wiping mouth) Sorry.
(Ethan looks at Junkie.)
Junkie: (mockingly) YUCK!
An Actual Conversation with My Mom at a Restaurant
Ethan: Ooh, I’m getting the Mussels Mariniere.
Mom: Blech.
Ethan: What? You love mussels.
Mom: Not since I got violently ill from eating them a few weeks ago.
Ethan: Oh. How long do you think the blacklist will last?
Mom: I don’t know, I may eat them eventually. For now, they’re in the same category as a facelift.
5 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Stranger on the L...
Submitted by Grace A.
Stranger: (pokes Grace) What are you listening to?
Grace: Disco.
Stranger: Techno? Wow. Awesome. What happened to your face?
Grace: I was at an underground bingo party where they encouraged us to draw on each other’s faces.
Stranger: So are you a good kisser or what?
Grace: Oh God, please get away…
Stranger: So, what do you do besides going to...
2 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Brother and Grandpa
Andrew: Did you hear about *****’s dad?
Ethan: No, what happened?
Andrew: He died.
Ethan: Oh, wow.
Andrew: Yeah, apparently he dropped dead while on the telephone.
(pause)
Grandpa: Well, isn’t that rude?
2 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Woman I Barely Know
Submitted by Julie Kraut of juliekraut.com
Julie: How are you doing?
Woman I Barely Know: About as crappy as you look.
Julie: (stunned silence)
WIBK: Sorry I said that. I just meant that you look really tired and run down and that’s how I feel.
Julie: No need to explain. I got it the first time.
An Actual Conversation with My Family at Dinner
Dad: You know, Anthony Bourdain has a new book on the best-seller list.
Ethan: He does?
Dad: Yeah, it’s called…
(long pause)
Dad: Oh, what’s it called? …It’s called…
Ethan: Tuesdays with Morrie?
Dad: No, it’s…
Andrew: Travels with Charley?
Dad: No, stop it…
Mom: Of Mice and Men?
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Coffee Shop Barista
Barista: Hey, buddy. Where you going?
Ethan: …Um…nowhere, yet? I’m just…drinking my coffee…
(Barista stares at Ethan)
Ethan: Do you need the table?
Barista: No.
(Barista continues to stare at Ethan)
Ethan: Then…why do you ask?
(One more long stare)
Barista: You’ve been wearing your bike helmet since you came in 20 minutes ago.
Ethan: Oh.
...
