Ethan:  Ugh, I hated my Bar Mitzvah.  All my friends hated my Bar Mitzvah.

Mom:  You had no friends.

Ethan:  What are you talking about? I had….Okay, I had no friends.

Mom:  Yeah, because you wore those stupid orange sweatpants all the time.

Ethan:  Wow.  Seriously?  Did you really think those sweatpants were that dorky?

Mom:  Of course not.  But you were being mean before.  So take that: you’ve been Mom’d.

Ethan:  What?

Mom:  It’s like getting punk’d.  But by your Mom.

Submitted by Grace Helbig

Crazy Man:  (walking over briskly)  Excuse me I was in line before you I was in line since yesterday.

Grace:  Okay.

Crazy Man:  Do you believe in vampires?

Grace:  N-

Crazy Man:  (hissing whisper)  ‘CAUSE I’M A VAMPIRE.  (walks away briskly)

Ethan:  I think I need a mantra.

Psychologist:  A mantra…

Ethan:  You know, a repeatable phrase to help remind me that we live in a dynamic universe.  That there are no absolute guidelines one must follow in order to be happy.

Psychologist:  Alright…

Ethan:  How about, “No Rules?”

Psychologist:  Sure.  And I’ll see you in jail.

Submitted by Danny Macaroons

Girlfriend:  So, everybody: Dan is Jewish.

Mom:  Oh, really?

Dan:  …yeah…

Girlfriend:  Can you believe I brought a Jewish guy home?

Mom:  There’s a first time for everything, right?

Dad: (to Dan)  Sorry, I hope they’re not making you uncomfortable.

Dan:  No, it’s fi—

Mom:  Wait, you know what?  I think the oven is still on.  Dan, why don’t you get in?

Dan:  What?

Brother:  Yeah, wouldn’t you be more comfortable in there? 

Dad:  Ok, that’s enough.  What is wrong with you two?!

Brother:  (to Dad)  We’re just trying to make him more comfortable.  (to Dan)  It’s a gas oven, too…

Dad:  (to brother) That’s it, leave the table!  (to Dan)  I’m sorry.

Mom:  Honey, it’s okay, we were just kidding.  The oven’s too small, anyway.

Old Woman:  Mort, do they have egg salad here?

Old Man:  (sorting through sandwiches)  They have egg salad and arugula — and egg salad, spinach, and “parmeesian.”

Ethan:  Parmesan.

Old Man:  Yeah, “parmeesian.”

Ethan:  (blank stare)

Old Man:  It’s a cheese, ya dummy.

Submitted by Mike D.

Junkie:  Hey.  I’ll suck your cock for a slice of $1 pizza.

Mike:  Okay.

(long pause)

Junkie:  Ew, dude, you’re gross.

Mike:  Suit yourself…

Andrew:  I can’t take the bus anymore.

Ethan:  Why not?

Andrew:  It’s filled with crotchety old assholes.  People are living way too long these days.

Grandpa:  (from the other room)  Thanks a lot.

Ethan:  So how many people actually pass out from this?

Nurse:  Oh, maybe about 5%?  I’ve seen some crazy things…

Ethan:  Like what?

Nurse:  (preparing a giant needle)  Oh, you know, people pissing themselves, sh*tting themselves…

Ethan:  What??  Are you kidding me?

Nurse:  Nope.  They pass out, and their bodily functions just go “woosh!”  (stabs Ethan)

Ethan:  Oof.

Nurse:  Look at that flow!

Ethan:  I don’t feel so well…

Nurse:  Boy, you look green.  (pause)  No…no, now you white as a ghost.

Ethan:  I’m think I’m gonna throw up.

Nurse:  From what?  This?  (shakes and squishes the swelling bag of blood in her hands)

Ethan:  (blacking out)  …I hate you…