Submitted by Meg

Meg:  Stop throwing food at me!  This is a newjacket!

Cousin:  Whoa, how ‘bout you chill the f*ck out?

Uncle:  Hey, I’d be nice to my cousin if she looked like Meg.  This is Arkansas, you know. 

Meg & Cousin:  (dumbfounded stares)

Uncle:  What?  Inter-family relationships happen all the time.

Woman Who Looked Like Carol Kane:  (walks past Ethan)  Nice beard.

Ethan:  Thank you.

WWLLCK:  (still walking, turns head)  It’s hot, don’t ever shave.

Ethan:  Thanks, I won’t.

WWLLCK:  (now shouting from afar)  I’m serious!

Ethan:  …Yup.  Got it!

WWLLCK:  (now at the other end of the street)  YOU BETTER!

Ethan:  …ALRIGHT, NOW THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE WEIRD!

Submitted by Katelyn

Katelyn:  Mom, guess who this is! (points to a vintage photo of Stephen Colbert)

Mom:  Um…I’m not really sure.

Katelyn:  It’s…. (scrolls down and points to a recent photo of Stephen Colbert)

Mom:  (blank look) …Paul McCartney?

SUNY Maritime Guy:  Yeah, the male-to-female ratio here is like, 10 to 1.

Ethan:  Wow, that’s terrible.  So what do you guys do for fun around here?

SUNY Maritime Guy:  We usually just hang at the Harbor Bar…

Ethan:  Okay, thanks.  I’ll check it out.  (starts to walk away)

SUNY Maritime Guy:  Hey, Ethan?

Ethan:  Yeah?

SUNY Maritime Guy:  Um…if there are any Maritime girls at the Harbor Bar…please don’t take one home?

Submitted by Laura

Mom:  (burps)  …I knew that was coming, but it was bigger than I thought.

Laura:  That’s what she said.

(long pause)

Mom:  I don’t know whether to be proud or horrified.

Submitted by Dara

Rawdawgnit:  hey there you

Dara:  hi

Rawdawgnit:  how arey ou?

Dara:  well…i have to tell you, your username is throwing me off

Rawdawgnit:  oh.. its just a screen name.  i’m spencer

Dara:  you do know what that means though, right?

Rawdawgnit: hahah whats your interpretation of it?

Dara:  having unprotected sex.

Rawdawgnit:  *applause*

(long pause)

Rawdawgnit:  hahaha

(another long pause)

Rawdawgnit:  i’m sorry, it is.  i coudnt think of anything else.

Mom:  I don’t like those guys.  They’re all a bunch of jabonis.

Ethan:  “Jabronis.”

Mom:  What?

Ethan:  The word is “jabroni.”

Mom:  No it’s not. It’s “jaboni.”

Ethan:  Ma, the word is “jabroni.”

Mom:  …It is?

Ethan:  Yes.

Mom:  Well, sorry.  Italian’s not my first language.

Submitted by Chelsea

Chelsea:  Hey mom, look at this picture of my friend Drew with all the Japanese foreign exchange students!

Mom:  (looks it over)  Which one is Drew?

Chelsea: …Uh, the only white one?

(pause)

Mom:  …But, they all look white…

Mom: You know, there’s some…S-E-X in this movie…

Ethan:  …What?  There is?

Mom:  Oh yeah — lesbian sex.

Ethan:  Why didn’t you tell me this before I came to see it with you?

Mom:  Well, I’m telling you now…  

(lights dim)

Ethan:  (terrified look)

Submitted by Sara

Sara:  Josh, is “capitate” a word?

Josh: (silently concentrating)

Sara:  Because if “decapitate” means “to remove someone’s head,” does “capitate” mean “to give someone a head”?

Josh:  (still silent)

Sara:  Josh?

Josh:  Shhh…I don’t know.  …It’s not a word.

Sara: But if “decapitate” is a word, doesn’t that mean “capitate” has to mean something?

Josh: (very long pause)  Is this what our kids are going to be like?

Dad:  Ethan, you know comedy — have you ever seen a YouTube video you thought was like, mad-ass funny?

Ethan:  (long pause…then laughs)  …What!?

Dad:  Sorry, what’s the term?  ”Mad-ass crazy?”

Submitted by Justin

(two girls approach)

Justin:  Hey, how y’all doing?

Drunk Girl:  Aren’t you going to tell me how gorgeous I look?

Justin:  As a matter of fact, I was just about to tell you you look amazing.

Drunk Girl:  No you weren’t.  (smacks Justin’s glass of champagne out of his hand onto innocent bystander couple)

Ethan:  Mom, I’m worried: one of my glands is swollen.  Look how puffy my cheek is.

Mom:  Let me see.  Stand still….  Yeah, I see.  Does it hurt?

Ethan:  It’s tender, yeah.  

Mom:  That’s a good sign it’s probably not cancer.

Ethan:  “Probably?”  The swelling moved from my neck to my cheek within days.  It’s not cancer.

Mom:  Right, that’s what I’m saying!  But get it checked out.  It could be a bacterial infection that could travel to your brain.

Ethan:  …Thanks, I feel much better now…

Submitted by Wyndi

Mom:  (out of nowhere)  Sloths are creepy.

Wyndi:  Why do you say that?

Mom:  They have faces!

Wyndi:  Yes, that’s because they’re animals.

Mom:  But…they have noses!

Me:  Yes.  Yes, they do have noses…

Ethan:  Did you plan how many children you were going to have?

Grandma:  Oh, yes.  We did it the right way: we had two boys and two girls.

Grandpa:  That’s right, I know how to DO IT.

Ethan:  Oh, God…

Grandpa:  (raises eyebrows)  Leave it to me!