Ethan:  We’ll shoot it out for the king bed.  Loser takes the cot.

Dave:  Why do we need to shoot it out?  I’m fine with sharing the king-sized bed.

Ethan:  Because I don’t want to share a bed with you.  We’ll shoot it out.

Dave:  I’m sleeping in the king-sized bed.  If you want to join, you’re welcome.

Ethan:  Man… (to four strangers in elevator)  Anyone here got an extra bed in their room tonight?

Guy in Cowboy Hat:  Nah, y’all are goin’ to the gay floor.

Submitted by Caitlyn

3-Year-Old:  (walks up to a tree)  Hello.  How are you?  (moves on to another tree)  Excuse me.  How is your day?

Caitlyn:  What are you doing, sweetie?

3-Year-Old:  Being environmentally friendly.

Old Lady:  Excuse me…  (smiles sweetly, points to Ethan’s shirt)  What does “WTF” mean?

Ethan:  (blushes)  Oh…it’s, uh… it’s a “podcast.”  You know, like a radio show?

Old Lady:  (stares blankly)  But what does “WTF” stand for?

Ethan:  …Stand for?….Um…well…

Random Guy in Our Row:  It stands for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

Ethan:  Yeah!  That’s right:  Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

Old Lady:  Oh, isn’t that nice.  (pause)  You know, Jesus loves you.

Ethan:  I bet he does…

Ethan:  (sprinting for train)  Hold it!  (just makes it through doors)

Mariachi Band:  (in full costume with instruments)Guantanamera! 

Ethan:  (rolls eyes)  Oh, no.

Mariachi Band:  Guajira Guantanamera!

Ethan:  Just quit it.

Mariachi Band:  GUANTANAMERRRRRRA!

Ethan:  COME ON!

Mariachi Band:  (stops abruptly)

Ethan:  …Uh.  Sorry.

Hotel Receptionist:  Here’s your room key. And there’s complimentary wireless internet, but it’s an open network. So I wouldn’t do anything that needs to be too secure…

Ethan:  Alright.  But I can watch porn?

Hotel Receptionist:  …Oh, um… well…

Ethan:  Ha, I’m only —

Hotel Receptionist #2:  (shouting from office)  Of course you can.  What else do you think we do down here late at night?

Girlfriend:  (suddenly stops kissing)

Ethan:  What’s wrong?

Girlfriend:  Stop honking my boobs like a horn, and love me like a woman.