Homeless Man:  (muttering)  Ladies walkin’ ‘round with they asses out…showin’ it all off.

Ethan:  (taking headphones off)  Sorry, what?

Homeless Man:  Oh, you heard me.  Ladies walkin’ ‘round with they asses out.  Showin’ it ALL off.

Ethan:  Okay.

Homeless Man:  Think it’s okay because of television, but really, you gotta know you askin’ for NOTHING BUT TROUBLE!  (gets up and walks towards subway door while staring at Ethan)

Ethan:  (trying to avoid eye contact)

Homeless Man:  HEY!

Ethan:  (looks up reluctantly)

Homeless Man:  (to Ethan)  STOP DRESSIN’ LIKE KIM KARDASHIAN!

Ethan:  …Alright.

Homeless Man:  (exits subway)

Submitted by Christine

Aunt Eileen:  Do you know anyone that’s full of sh*t?

Christine:  Like, dishonest?  I guess—

Aunt Eileen:  No, literally full of sh*t.  I found one of Grandpa’s old enemas.  Since he’s gone, I thought someone else could use it.

Christine:  Uh…

Aunt Virginia:  There’s plenty of dessert if anyone’s still hungry!

Uncle Billy:  No thanks.

Grandpa:  What do you think of Two Men and a Boy?

Ethan  What do I think of…what?

Grandpa:  The TV show, Two Men and a Boy.

Ethan:  I think you mean Two and a Half Men?  Unless there’s a new NAMBLA network…

Ethan:  Man, this food is spicy! 

Server:  You do not like spicy food?

Ethan:  I do, but I have…”trouble” with it, if you get what I mean…

Server:  Well, this food very good for you.  Vegetarian.  Digest well.  Non-vegetarian meal take 10 hours to digest.  

Ethan:  Oh yeah?  And how long will this take, 45 minutes?  (laughs) 

Server:  (laughs)  No, not 45 minutes!  (stops laughing)  One hour.

Booker:  We’ll get you guys in for a sound check as soon as possible — we just have to clear everyone out of the theater.  Hopefully there won’t be any stranglers.

Ethan:  What now?

Booker:  Hopefully there won’t be any stranglers left in the theater.

Ethan:  …Do you mean…”stragglers?”

Booker:  What’s the difference?

Ethan:  (nervous laughter)  Oh, I don’t know…life or death?

Submitted by Liz

Mom: Hey, what are you doing?

Liz:  Nothing.  Being bored, doing laundry…

Mom:  Well you should come downtown and look at the Budweiser Clydesdales while they’re here.  They’re beautiful!  (pause)  Their penises are huge.

Liz:  (shocked silence)

Mom:  Well, they are.

Girlfriend:  Can I use your computer?

Ethan:  Sure.

Girlfriend:  (sits down in desk chair — begins typing, then pauses)  Um…

Ethan:  What’s up?

Girlfriend:  Why does “YouJizz.com” pop up when I start to type “YouTube?”

Ethan:  (long pause)  …I’ve never seen that website in my life.