Submitted by Jen
Mom: So, Mark has a boob cup.
Jen: A what?
Mom: A cup shaped like a boob. He put hot cocoa in it.
Mom: But I don’t want to drink out of it. That’d be like drinking out of a dildo.
Husband: (pushing wife in wheelchair) I just gave you Skittles.
Quadriplegic Wife: (unintelligible noises)
Husband: Alright, one more. (piles an 8th bag of candy onto wife)
Husband: No, you’ve had enough.
Quadriplegic Wife: (loud unintelligible noises)
Husband: Enough, already!
Quadriplegic Wife: (LOUDER unintelligible noises)
Husband: You are an evil…horrible…diabetic woman! You hear me? An evil, horrible, diabetic woman!
Ethan: (staring in shock)
Husband: My wife loves candy.
Ethan: I see.
Submitted by Dara
Grandma: (pointing to Dad, brother and two uncles) There are a lot of men at this table, Dara. I’d like to see us even the score somehow.
Dara: Well, I can become a lesbian if you’d like.
Grandma: Haha, I don’t think I’d like that.
Dara: You could become a lesbian…
Grandma: I don’t think I’d like that either.
Dara: Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
Grandma: How do you know I haven’t?
Paul Simon: (singing to a jam-packed, but utterly mute crowd) And in the naked light I saw / ten thousand people, maybe more / people talking without speaking…
Beer Guy: BEER! BEER AND WATER!
Paul Simon: …people hearing without listening…
Middle-Aged Lady: Over here!
Paul Simon: …people writing songs that voices never share…
Angry Guy: (to Beer Guy, who is pushing through the crowd) You have to do this now??
Paul Simon: …and no one dared…
Beer Guy: (taking money) Here you go. (continues pushing through crowd)
Paul Simon: …disturb the sound of silence.
Middle-Aged Lady: HEY. YOU OWE ME $12.50!
Ethan: Oh, Jesus…
Grandpa: Ethan, I need to send an email, but I don’t think I can from your apartment…
Ethan: Why not? I’ve got internet.
Grandpa: But if the other person emails me back, won’t it come here instead?
Ethan: No, Grandpa, it’s not like postal mail. You can access email from anywhere. You see… (begins to explain the concept of “cloud computing”)
Dad: (interrupting) What the hell are you talking about? (turns to Grandpa) Look, you go to the website, you type in the stuff, and the stuff comes back. What’s the big deal?