Submitted by Jen

Mom:  So, Mark has a boob cup.

Jen:  A what?

Mom:  A cup shaped like a boob.  He put hot cocoa in it.

(pause)

Mom:  But I don’t want to drink out of it.  That’d be like drinking out of a dildo.

Husband:  (pushing wife in wheelchair)  I just gave you Skittles.

Quadriplegic Wife:  (unintelligible noises)

Husband:  Alright, one more.  (piles an 8th bag of candy onto wife)  

Quadriplegic Wife:  (unintelligible noises)

Husband:  No, you’ve had enough.

Quadriplegic Wife:  (loud unintelligible noises)

Husband:  Enough, already!

Quadriplegic Wife:  (LOUDER unintelligible noises)

Husband:  You are an evil…horrible…diabetic woman!  You hear me?  An evil, horrible, diabetic woman!

Ethan:  (staring in shock)

Husband:  My wife loves candy.

Ethan:  I see.

Submitted by Dara

Grandma: (pointing to Dad, brother and two uncles) There are a lot of men at this table, Dara. I’d like to see us even the score somehow.

Dara: Well, I can become a lesbian if you’d like.

Grandma: Haha, I don’t think I’d like that.

Dara: You could become a lesbian…

Grandma: I don’t think I’d like that either.

Dara: Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

Grandma: How do you know I haven’t?

Dara: …

Grandma: …

Paul Simon:  (singing to a jam-packed, but utterly mute crowd)  And in the naked light I saw / ten thousand people, maybe more / people talking without speaking…

Beer Guy:  BEER!  BEER AND WATER!

Paul Simon:  …people hearing without listening…

Middle-Aged Lady:  Over here!

Paul Simon:  …people writing songs that voices never share…

Angry Guy:  (to Beer Guy, who is pushing through the crowd)  You have to do this now??

Paul Simon:  …and no one dared…

Beer Guy:  (taking money)  Here you go.  (continues pushing through crowd)

Paul Simon:  …disturb the sound of silence.

Middle-Aged Lady:  HEY.  YOU OWE ME $12.50!

Ethan:  Oh, Jesus…

Grandpa:  Ethan, I need to send an email, but I don’t think I can from your apartment…

Ethan:  Why not?  I’ve got internet.

Grandpa:  But if the other person emails me back, won’t it come here instead?

Ethan:  No, Grandpa, it’s not like postal mail.  You can access email from anywhere.  You see… (begins to explain the concept of “cloud computing”)

Dad:  (interrupting)  What the hell are you talking about?  (turns to Grandpa) Look, you go to the website, you type in the stuff, and the stuff comes back. What’s the big deal?