Ethan:  (sweating profusely)  I’m sorry I’m late, I had the worst trip over here.

Girlfriend:  What happened?

Ethan:  The subway broke down and it was like, 400 degrees down there.  I was so frustrated, I wanted to punch someone.

Girlfriend:  You were listening to death metal, weren’t you?

Ethan:  …Yeah.  

Girlfriend:  Something like: “RAHHHHHHH, I’M GONNA KILL YOU, I’M GONNA KILL YOU!  KILL THE BABY!  EAT THE BABY!!!  RAGHHHHHHH!”?

Ethan:  (terrified)  …Something like that, yeah.

Submitted by Chris

Waitress:  And when is your birthday, sweetie?

Cousin: …

Chris:  (to cousin)  Go ahead…

Cousin:  July.

Waitress:  So you’re a Leo!

Cousin:  No, I’m a Sarah.

Ethan, Girlfriend, and Mom:  (laughing at movie)

Dad:  (waking up, after falling asleep within the first ten minutes)  What happened?

Ethan:  We’re not recapping half the movie for you right now, Dad.

Dad:  (mumbles unintelligibly, falls back asleep)

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER:

Girlfriend:  (to Ethan)  I have to go to the bathroom…can we pause it for a sec?

Dad:  (eyes still closed)  You won’t miss anything, it’s just a bunch of chatter.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER:

Dad:  (stirs and opens eyes)  Meryl Streep looks like she’s in drag.  (falls back asleep)

Submitted by Holly

5-Year-Old Daughter:  Do you think the “M&M” means something on these candies?

Holly:  I’m not sure.  Maybe “melty” and “munchable”?

5-Year-Old Daughter:  I think it would be funny if they put other letters them.

Holly:  Yeah?

5-Year-Old Daughter:  Yeah, I bet people would be surprised if they said “S&M” or something.

Mom:  I have an idea for a restaurant.

Ethan:  Oh, yeah?  What’s that?

Mom:  It’d be called “The Brothel”…with topless waitresses….serving soup!

Ethan:  That’s retarded.

Mom:  No it’s not, it’s brilliant!  (pause)  There’d probably be a lot of burns, though…