Submitted by Dara

Dara:  Hi, Mamacha.

Grandma:  Hello, dear.

Uncle Jon:  Hi, Mom.

Grandma:  Why Jon, you look very handsome tonight.

Uncle Jon:  Don’t I look handsome every night?

Grandma:  No.

Some Dude:  Alright, party’s over.  Raymond’s got his dick out.

Ethan:  …What are you talking about?

Some Dude:  Raymond pulled his dick out, it’s over.

Ethan:  …So what?

Some Dude:  Phil already had his dick out.

Ethan:  So?

Some Dude:  So…you can’t have more than one dick out at a party.  Anything more than that, and you’ve got a circle jerk.

Ethan:  What would happen if you had three?

Some Dude:  It’s never gotten to three.  (sternly)  It stops at two.

Submitted by Ohmichu

Old Lady:  (passes on sidewalk)  What a great tattoo!  I love it!

Dug:  Thank you.

Old Lady:  (to Omichu)  Don’t you have any tattoos?

Omichu:  …Um…not any that you can see…

Old Lady:  Oh, I get it.  You must have a tramp stamp.

Ethan:  This thick broth is disgusting.  It reminds me of…of…

Mom:  Warm breast milk?

Ethan:  Ugh.  No…

Andrew:  Semen?

Ethan:  Jesus!  No.  I was gonna say something much more innocuous…

Mom:  Like phlegm.

Andrew:  Ugh, now that’s worse.

Ethan:  Worse than breast milk and semen??

Andrew:  Well, semen no…but breast milk, yes.

Dad:  Breast milk is good.

Submitted by David Broadbent

Holly:  Dad, did Jesus’s cross have wheels on it?

Dad:  Wheels?  No, Hols.

Holly:  How come?

Dad:  I guess the people who made him carry it didn’t want wheels on it.  After all, the Romans weren’t very pleased with Jesus…

Holly:  Yes, I know.  But they still could’ve at least given him wheels for his cross.  Or a shopping cart.

Dad:  Where would they have gotten a shopping cart from?

Holly:  Coles.

Flight Attendant:  (tapping Ethan’s chair)  Thanks for putting your seat back.

Ethan:  (taking headphones off)  Hm?

Flight Attendant:  We’re landing now, it’s time to return your seat to the upright position. 

Ethan:  Oh.  It’s not…upright?

Flight Attendant:  No, its not.  So thanks for putting it back.

Ethan:  Oh, I’m sorry.  (laughing playfully)  You could have just asked me!

Flight Attendant:  (long stare)  Thanks for putting your seat back.