Submitted by Dara
Dara: Hi, Mamacha.
Grandma: Hello, dear.
Uncle Jon: Hi, Mom.
Grandma: Why Jon, you look very handsome tonight.
Uncle Jon: Don’t I look handsome every night?
Some Dude: Alright, party’s over. Raymond’s got his dick out.
Ethan: …What are you talking about?
Some Dude: Raymond pulled his dick out, it’s over.
Ethan: …So what?
Some Dude: Phil already had his dick out.
Some Dude: So…you can’t have more than one dick out at a party. Anything more than that, and you’ve got a circle jerk.
Ethan: What would happen if you had three?
Some Dude: It’s never gotten to three. (sternly) It stops at two.
Submitted by Ohmichu
Old Lady: (passes on sidewalk) What a great tattoo! I love it!
Dug: Thank you.
Old Lady: (to Omichu) Don’t you have any tattoos?
Omichu: …Um…not any that you can see…
Old Lady: Oh, I get it. You must have a tramp stamp.
Ethan: This thick broth is disgusting. It reminds me of…of…
Mom: Warm breast milk?
Ethan: Ugh. No…
Ethan: Jesus! No. I was gonna say something much more innocuous…
Mom: Like phlegm.
Andrew: Ugh, now that’s worse.
Ethan: Worse than breast milk and semen??
Andrew: Well, semen no…but breast milk, yes.
Dad: Breast milk is good.
Submitted by David Broadbent
Holly: Dad, did Jesus’s cross have wheels on it?
Dad: Wheels? No, Hols.
Holly: How come?
Dad: I guess the people who made him carry it didn’t want wheels on it. After all, the Romans weren’t very pleased with Jesus…
Holly: Yes, I know. But they still could’ve at least given him wheels for his cross. Or a shopping cart.
Dad: Where would they have gotten a shopping cart from?
Flight Attendant: (tapping Ethan’s chair) Thanks for putting your seat back.
Ethan: (taking headphones off) Hm?
Flight Attendant: We’re landing now, it’s time to return your seat to the upright position.
Ethan: Oh. It’s not…upright?
Flight Attendant: No, its not. So thanks for putting it back.
Ethan: Oh, I’m sorry. (laughing playfully) You could have just asked me!
Flight Attendant: (long stare) Thanks for putting your seat back.