Submitted by my brother, Andrew

Mom:  So, what did the doctor say about you peeing so much?

Andrew:  Since I tested negative for anything serious, he thinks it might be an enlarged prostate.

(pause)

Mom:  Maybe it’s because you’ve been doing too much, you know…”hugging.”

Andrew:  Ugh…

Dad:  I think it’s because you’ve been doing too much f*cking.

Ethan:  Can I have a side dish, please?

Vendor:  Which side you want?

Ethan:  Um…I guess i’ll take the escarole?

Vendor:  The what?

Ethan:  The, uh, escarole?  Over here.  (points)

Vendor:  The casserole?  You want the string bean casserole?

Ethan:  No, the escarole.  This stuff, right here.

Vendor:  (long stare)  …You mean the COLLARD GREENS?

Ethan:  Oh.  Yeah.  The greens.

Mom:  Eth—I have just experienced a first: your cat farting his brains out in the bathroom.  Love, Mom

Ethan:  Amazing.  What did it sound like?

Mom:  Like you farting your brains out in the bathroom. Love, Mom

(two minutes later)

Mom:  Rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat, pause; rat-a-tat-tat.  Love, Mom

Ethan:  Hi, can I speak to the manager, please?

Gym Receptionist:  He’s actually on with someone else, can he call you back?

Ethan:  Sure, but do you know if he’ll be able to call within the hour?

Gym Receptionist:  I pray that he will.

Ethan:  Oh…alright…. But you don’t have to pray for that…

Gym Receptionist:  (laughs)  It’s no trouble at all.

Ethan:  Nah, really, it’s okay — I’m an atheist!

Gym Receptionist:  (long pause)  I’ll pray for you, too.

Submitted by Amit

Amit:  (pointing to Homeless Guy 1’s head)  That’s a pretty awesome lion hat.

Homeless Guy 2:  That is a sweet lion hat!

Homeless Guy 1:  (playing with tassels)  Yeah.  But it’s missing an eye.

Homeless Guy 2:  (sighs heavily)  Story of my life…

Really, Really Drunk Friend:  (holding a bottle of Worcestershire sauce and staring at it intensely)

Ethan:  …Do you know how to pronounce it?

Really, Really Drunk Friend:  (extremely slowly)  “Sau-ce.”

Driver:  Taxi?

Ethan:  No.

Driver:  Where you goin, sir, Manhattan?

Ethan:  (walking away briskly)  I’m going to Jupiter.

Driver:  (following)  Alright, two lefts and then a right.  Hop in.

Ethan:  Ha, dude, come on — get lost.

Driver:  I can do that, too.  Get in the car.