Submitted by Julie Kraut

Cashier:  (looks at Julie’s credit card)  Oh, Julia!  Are you Julia Stiles?

Julie:  No.

Cashier:  She lives around here, you know?

Julie:  Yeah, sometimes I see her.  Does she come here?

Cashier:  Yes!

Julie:  Oh, then you knew I wasn’t her.  I don’t look like her at all. 

Cashier:  Well, yeah.  And she’d never order carbs like this.

Ethan:  So what would you buy with a million dollars?

6-Year-Old:  (thinking hard)  A mansion.

Ethan:  That would be cool.

6-Year-Old Cousin: …a Maybach Landaulet…

Ethan:  Well, we might be a little over budget now…

6-Year-Old:  …and a bank.

Submitted by Dan

Woman 1:  What floor?

Dan:  Twelve, please.

Woman 1:  (to Woman 2)  I saw Sally last week. 

Woman 2:  Oh, yeah?

Woman 1:  Yeah, she really looks fit.  Probably lost 10 kilos.  Not that she needed to lose anything, but she really looked great.

Woman 2:  So she’s doing really well then!

Woman 1:  Actually, no.  She lost the weight because of an auto-immune disease.

Dad:  I just saw two girls go into an apartment on your floor.  Do you know them?

Ethan:  No, I don’t.

Dad:  One of them was very attractive.  Maybe a little…”promiscuous” — but a nice figure…

Andrew:  Did you try to f*ck her?

Mom:  (horrified)  Andrew!

Andrew:  Sorry.  Did you try to have sex with her?