Ethan: (sighting a graffiti penis on a wall) Oh, oh… you gotta take a picture of me with this.
Fiancée: No, that’s disgusting.
Ethan: Come on!
Fiancée: …And immature.
Ethan: Please, I need to post it on Facebook for my friends!
Fiancée: That’s why I don’t want to take it.
Ethan: (gets in position) Real quick, let’s go!
Fiancee: (takes photo) Ugh. There, are you happy?
Ethan: (looks at pic on camera) Very.
4-Year-Old Niece: Bonjour.
Ethan: Why, hello! Do you know any other French?
4-Year-Old Niece: I’m terrified.
Ethan: (totally confused) ….Why are you terrified?
4-Year-Old Niece: It’s “scared” in French.
Brother: I’ve seen Nine Inch Nails live before.
Ethan: Which tour?
Brother: For “The Slip.”
Mom: (out of nowhere)You mean Slipknot?
Ethan: No, Mom, not —
Mom: They’re HORRIBLE.
Ethan: …And….why is that?
Mom: They’re SO hardcore.
Dealer: So we’re going with this ring?
Ethan: Yeah, it’s — (cell phone buzzes) Ha, what a coincidence. Just got a text from my girlfriend.
Dealer: What’d she say?
Ethan: She’s talking about TV. She said, “Bachelor finale tonight!”
Dealer: (stares at Ethan) Truer words have never been spoken.
Mom: Ethan — I thought of the worst possible name for a seafood restaurant.
Ethan: …And what would that be?
Mom: "Sphincter Mussels!"
Ethan: Oh, Jesus.
Mom: I think it’s so funny!
Ethan: (starts typing into phone)
Mom: No…Don’t write this down for your website. Please… You know what? I’m just not gonna talk anymore.