An Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend’s 4-Year-Old Niece

4-Year-Old Niece:  Bonjour.

Ethan:  Why, hello!  Do you know any other French?

4-Year-Old Niece:  I’m terrified.

Ethan:  (totally confused) ….Why are you terrified?

4-Year-Old Niece:  It’s “scared” in French.


An Actual Conversation with my Mom About Hard Rock

Brother:  I’ve seen Nine Inch Nails live before.

Ethan:  Which tour?

Brother:  For “The Slip.”

Mom:  (out of nowhere)You mean Slipknot?

Ethan:  No, Mom, not —

Mom:  They’re HORRIBLE.

Ethan:  …And….why is that?

Mom:  They’re SO hardcore.

An Actual Conversation with a Diamond Dealer While Shopping For an Engagement Ring

Dealer:  So we’re going with this ring?

Ethan:  Yeah, it’s — (cell phone buzzes)  Ha, what a coincidence.  Just got a text from my girlfriend.

Dealer:  What’d she say?

Ethan:  She’s talking about TV.  She said, “Bachelor finale tonight!”

Dealer:  (stares at Ethan)  Truer words have never been spoken.


An Actual Conversation with My Mom About An Idea for a Restaurant

Mom:  Ethan — I thought of the worst possible name for a seafood restaurant.

Ethan:  …And what would that be?

Mom:  "Sphincter Mussels!"

Ethan:  Oh, Jesus.

Mom:  I think it’s so funny!

Ethan:  (starts typing into phone)

Mom:  No…Don’t write this down for your website.  Please…  You know what?  I’m just not gonna talk anymore.


An Actual Conversation with my Girlfriend About Personal Hygiene

Girlfriend:  I don’t want to shower tonight.

Ethan:  Did you shower this morning?

Girlfriend:  No.

Ethan:  Ew, that’s gross.  You can’t not shower everyday.

Girlfriend:  Says who?

Ethan:  That’s the common standard!  Everyone showers once a day. 

Girlfriend:  Not homeless people.