Submitted by Scott
Mom: I wasn’t able to load contacts into my email, and the computer started running really slow, so I called Outlook and they helped me out.
Scott: You called “Outlook?”
Mom: Yep, Microsoft Outlook. They walked me through the problem. Turns out that people are getting onto my…not my Scottrade account…but onto my internet.
Scott: Your “internet?” Do you mean your network?
Mom: I’ve seen them outside, parked. We’re getting all of their viruses.
Scott: Wait, but — you don’t even use Outlook.
Mom: I used to use Firefox…
Scott: Fire…. Mom, that’s totally different. Firefox is a web browser. Outlook is email software. And you may have called Microsoft, which is a company. All unrelated.
Mom: Did I do something wrong?
Scott: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just not using the right words and as a result, this is making no sense.
Mom: (long pause) Is it because of the people getting onto my internet?
(Will.i.am and Britney Spears’s “Scream & Shout” plays on the car radio)
Brother: Ugh, change this.
Ethan: Jesus, what is this?
Dad: (turns the music up, nodding head)
Brother: Is this really still happening? Change it!
Dad: No! I like it while we’re driving. Makes me feel like we’re in a music video. (continues nodding)
Ethan: Want to see if we can get a drink?
(Amit and Ethan leave their hotel room and search for a bar in lobby)
Ethan: Damn. There’s nothing down here.
Amit: (looks around, grabs a coffee stirrer)
Ethan: What the hell do you need that for?
Amit: I gotta get something out of this trip.
Submitted by Dan Ahdoot
Mom: Deh girl from Zero Dark Thirty ees going out with a cunt!
Dan: A what?
Mom: A cunt.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Mom: A cunt! Like Cunt Dracula!
Submitted by Morgan
Morgan: (realizes she has been sitting on a bag of cocaine) Um, excuse me? I think another passenger might have left some drugs in your car….
Driver: People never check! I drive all over town returning phones and wallets. Thanks for telling me, kid.
Driver: You know…I won’t judge if you take it. (pause) Maybe it’s a good day for an adventure?