Ethan: So? How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go? Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?
Andrew: Dude, you “guaranteed” an 80% response rate.
Andrew: And only ONE girl wrote back.
Ethan: Well, we only went after girls who reply “very selectively”…. Give it some time.
Andrew: No. Forget it. You’re a sham. You’re like the Bernie Madoff of online dating.
Ethan: Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.
Friend: Yeah, dude. Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.
Andrea: Today is my birthday!
6-Year-Old-Son: How old are you, Mom?
Andrea: I’m 50.
6-Year-Old-Son: (to a stranger) My Mom doesn’t look a day older than when she was 49.
Ethan: I can’t believe I volunteered to sleep on this thing. This pull-out sucks.
Andrew: Have fun on that tonight, while I’m in my regular human-bed.
Ethan: And this blanket — it’s disgusting.
Dad: (half asleep already, mumbling) Maybe you should blacklight it for semen stains.
Submitted by Scott
Mom: I wasn’t able to load contacts into my email, and the computer started running really slow, so I called Outlook and they helped me out.
Scott: You called “Outlook?”
Mom: Yep, Microsoft Outlook. They walked me through the problem. Turns out that people are getting onto my…not my Scottrade account…but onto my internet.
Scott: Your “internet?” Do you mean your network?
Mom: I’ve seen them outside, parked. We’re getting all of their viruses.
Scott: Wait, but — you don’t even use Outlook.
Mom: I used to use Firefox…
Scott: Fire…. Mom, that’s totally different. Firefox is a web browser. Outlook is email software. And you may have called Microsoft, which is a company. All unrelated.
Mom: Did I do something wrong?
Scott: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just not using the right words and as a result, this is making no sense.
Mom: (long pause) Is it because of the people getting onto my internet?