Girlfriend: I don’t want to shower tonight.
Ethan: Did you shower this morning?
Ethan: Ew, that’s gross. You can’t not shower everyday.
Girlfriend: Says who?
Ethan: That’s the common standard! Everyone showers once a day.
Girlfriend: Not homeless people.
Ethan: So? How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go? Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?
Andrew: Dude, you “guaranteed” an 80% response rate.
Andrew: And only ONE girl wrote back.
Ethan: Well, we only went after girls who reply “very selectively”…. Give it some time.
Andrew: No. Forget it. You’re a sham. You’re like the Bernie Madoff of online dating.
Ethan: Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.
Friend: Yeah, dude. Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.
Andrea: Today is my birthday!
6-Year-Old-Son: How old are you, Mom?
Andrea: I’m 50.
6-Year-Old-Son: (to a stranger) My Mom doesn’t look a day older than when she was 49.
Ethan: I can’t believe I volunteered to sleep on this thing. This pull-out sucks.
Andrew: Have fun on that tonight, while I’m in my regular human-bed.
Ethan: And this blanket — it’s disgusting.
Dad: (half asleep already, mumbling) Maybe you should blacklight it for semen stains.