An Actual Conversation with Dan’s Iranian Mother
Submitted by Dan Ahdoot
Mom: Deh girl from Zero Dark Thirty ees going out with a cunt!
Dan: A what?
Mom: A cunt.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Mom: A cunt! Like Cunt Dracula!
An Actual Conversation with An NYC Taxi Driver
Submitted by Morgan
Morgan: (realizes she has been sitting on a bag of cocaine) Um, excuse me? I think another passenger might have left some drugs in your car….
Driver: People never check! I drive all over town returning phones and wallets. Thanks for telling me, kid.
Morgan: Sure.
Driver: You know…I won’t judge if you take it. (pause) Maybe it’s a good day for an adventure?
An Actual Conversation While In Bed With My Girlfriend
Girlfriend: Oh, gross. Did you fart?
Ethan: Yeah.
Girlfriend: It stinks!
Ethan: Oh, whatever, it’s not like you’ve never done it before.
Girlfriend: At least I dont do it under the covers like a…Russian…Piano…
Ethan: You mean a “Dutch Oven?”
Girlfriend: Whatever, same thing.
An Actual Conversation While Driving to a Dave and Ethan Show in Syracuse, NY
Dave: Man, you’re a terrible driver.
Ethan: Look, we both have complimentary strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes us a good team.
Dave: Right, we’re like Apple: I’m Steve Jobs, and you’re the fat guy.
An Actual Conversation with Joel’s Mom About the Flu
Submitted by Joel, The Daily Guru
Mom: So, I hear the flu is bad in New York City.
Joel: Eh, you know, the media likes to make stories where they don’t need to. It sells papers.
Mom: Oh, I’m not worried — you won’t get the flu.
Joel: Yeah, me and my magic immune system…
Mom: Not so much that as your combination of slightly-OCD hand washing and legendary anti-social behavior.
