An Actual Conversation with my Brother About Online Dating

Ethan:  So?  How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go?  Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?

Andrew:  Dude, you “guaranteed” an 80% response rate.

Ethan:  And…

Andrew:  And only ONE girl wrote back.

Ethan:  Well, we only went after girls who reply “very selectively”…. Give it some time.

Andrew:  No.  Forget it.  You’re a sham.  You’re like the Bernie Madoff of online dating.


An Actual Conversation with a Manhattanite Friend After Partying in Brooklyn

Ethan:  Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.

Friend:  Yeah, dude.  Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.

An Actual Conversation with Andrea’s 6-Year-Old Son about Her Birthday

Andrea:  Today is my birthday!  

6-Year-Old-Son:  How old are you, Mom?

Andrea:  I’m 50.

6-Year-Old-Son:  (to a stranger)  My Mom doesn’t look a day older than when she was 49.


An Actual Conversation with My Family While Sharing a Hotel Room in Salt Lake City

Ethan:  I can’t believe I volunteered to sleep on this thing.  This pull-out sucks.

Andrew:  Have fun on that tonight, while I’m in my regular human-bed.

Ethan:  And this blanket — it’s disgusting.

Dad:  (half asleep already, mumbling)  Maybe you should blacklight it for semen stains.


An Actual Conversation with Scott’s Mom About the Internet

Submitted by Scott

Mom:  I wasn’t able to load contacts into my email, and the computer started running really slow, so I called Outlook and they helped me out.

Scott:  You called “Outlook?”

Mom:  Yep, Microsoft Outlook.  They walked me through the problem.  Turns out that people are getting onto my…not my Scottrade account…but onto my internet.

Scott:  Your “internet?”  Do you mean your network?

Mom:  I’ve seen them outside, parked.  We’re getting all of their viruses.

Scott:  Wait, but — you don’t even use Outlook.

Mom:  I used to use Firefox…

Scott:  Fire…. Mom, that’s totally different. Firefox is a web browser. Outlook is email software. And you may have called Microsoft, which is a company.  All unrelated.

Mom:  Did I do something wrong?

Scott:  No, you didn’t do anything wrong.  You’re just not using the right words and as a result, this is making no sense.

Mom:  (long pause)  Is it because of the people getting onto my internet?