An Actual Conversation with my Girlfriend About Personal Hygiene

Girlfriend:  I don’t want to shower tonight.

Ethan:  Did you shower this morning?

Girlfriend:  No.

Ethan:  Ew, that’s gross.  You can’t not shower everyday.

Girlfriend:  Says who?

Ethan:  That’s the common standard!  Everyone showers once a day. 

Girlfriend:  Not homeless people.


An Actual Conversation with my Brother About Online Dating

Ethan:  So?  How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go?  Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?

Andrew:  Dude, you “guaranteed” an 80% response rate.

Ethan:  And…

Andrew:  And only ONE girl wrote back.

Ethan:  Well, we only went after girls who reply “very selectively”…. Give it some time.

Andrew:  No.  Forget it.  You’re a sham.  You’re like the Bernie Madoff of online dating.


An Actual Conversation with a Manhattanite Friend After Partying in Brooklyn

Ethan:  Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.

Friend:  Yeah, dude.  Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.

An Actual Conversation with Andrea’s 6-Year-Old Son about Her Birthday

Andrea:  Today is my birthday!  

6-Year-Old-Son:  How old are you, Mom?

Andrea:  I’m 50.

6-Year-Old-Son:  (to a stranger)  My Mom doesn’t look a day older than when she was 49.


An Actual Conversation with My Family While Sharing a Hotel Room in Salt Lake City

Ethan:  I can’t believe I volunteered to sleep on this thing.  This pull-out sucks.

Andrew:  Have fun on that tonight, while I’m in my regular human-bed.

Ethan:  And this blanket — it’s disgusting.

Dad:  (half asleep already, mumbling)  Maybe you should blacklight it for semen stains.