This is an actual email I sent to myself at 4:36AM upon briefly waking from a dream:
———————————————————————-
From: Ethan Fixell <efixell@gmail.com> 4:36 AM (1 day ago)
To: Me <efixell@gmail.com>
It would be funny to Karioke heavy songs like by Korn or Distubred in a really effimnate voice and sing wrobg words: Like “Everybody dance, everyone have fun” to that “OOOAHAHAHA” song. but in between songs you could be manly and broey like andy kaufman singing Migthy mouse.
Submitted by Jake
Man: I’m sorry, a can of Axe exploded in my bag while I was working out. When I changed back into my clothes, they smelled like this.
Jake: Uh huh…
Man: It’s true! …I must smell awful.
Jake: Like Axe. It’s OK.
Man: I could change back into my workout clothes, but they’re all ripped and smell like sweat.
Jake: (focusing on phone) Okay.
Man: Here?
Jake: What?
Man: You want me to change here?
Jake: What? No.
Man: I know, I’ll put my gym clothes on over these clothes. (opens bag and puts on sweatpants and a “Pussy Magnet” workout shirt) .…Well, now I smell like sweat AND Axe.
Jake: (silence)
Man: This was a terrible idea. I’m taking this off, okay?
Jake: (silence)
Man: (takes off the sweat pants and workout shirt…long pause) Just deal with it, okay buddy?? I’m getting off at the next stop. Jesus…some people.
TSA Officer: I told that mothaf*cka — I told him he can’t do that….
TSA Officer 2: Mmm hmm.
TSA Officer: I told him he chickensh*t!
Ethan: (waiting to present boarding pass) Yeah, f*ck that guy.
TSA Officer: (stares at Ethan)
Ethan: I’m sorry, uh…(clears throat)…is there pre-check at this airport?
TSA Officer: No. (long pause…leans in) But I like your spirit.
Submitted by Billy
Billy: I’ll give you some privacy while you change your shirt.
Grandma: Why?
Billy: What? ”Why?” Because I don’t want to see that!
Grandma: Oh. Yeah, I don’t like ‘em either.
Mom: Which celebrity was interviewed?
Ethan: You don’t know him. Nas.
Mom: I know Nas. He’s a black rapper.
Ethan: He’s a black rapper?
Mom: He’s not a black rapper?
Ethan: He is, but why do you need to specify his race along with his profession?
Mom: I was just letting you know I know exactly who he is.
