An Actual Conversation With My Family During a Utah Roadtrip

(Will.i.am and Britney Spears’s "Scream & Shout" plays on the car radio)  

Brother:  Ugh, change this.

Ethan:  Jesus, what is this?

Dad:  (turns the music up, nodding head)

Brother:  Is this really still happening?  Change it!

Dad:  No!  I like it while we’re driving.  Makes me feel like we’re in a music video.  (continues nodding)

image


An Actual Conversation with My Friend Amit in A Portsmouth, NH Hotel

Ethan:  Want to see if we can get a drink?

Amit:  Sure.

(Amit and Ethan leave their hotel room and search for a bar in lobby)

Ethan:  Damn. There’s nothing down here.

Amit:  (looks around, grabs a coffee stirrer)

Ethan:  What the hell do you need that for?

Amit:  I gotta get something out of this trip.

hotel lobby coffee


An Actual Conversation with Dan’s Iranian Mother

Submitted by Dan Ahdoot

Mom:  Deh girl from Zero Dark Thirty ees going out with a cunt!

Dan:  A what?

Mom:  A cunt.

Dan:  What are you talking about?

Mom:  A cunt!  Like Cunt Dracula!

CuntDracula


An Actual Conversation with An NYC Taxi Driver

Submitted by Morgan

Morgan:  (realizes she has been sitting on a bag of cocaine)  Um, excuse me?  I think another passenger might have left some drugs in your car….

Driver:  People never check!  I drive all over town returning phones and wallets. Thanks for telling me, kid.

Morgan:  Sure.

Driver:  You know…I won’t judge if you take it.  (pause)  Maybe it’s a good day for an adventure?

image


An Actual Conversation While In Bed With My Girlfriend

Girlfriend:  Oh, gross.  Did you fart?

Ethan:  Yeah.

Girlfriend:  It stinks!

Ethan:  Oh, whatever, it’s not like you’ve never done it before.

Girlfriend:  At least I dont do it under the covers like a…Russian…Piano…  

Ethan:  You mean a “Dutch Oven?”

Girlfriend:  Whatever, same thing.

image