TSA Officer: I told that mothaf*cka — I told him he can’t do that….
TSA Officer 2: Mmm hmm.
TSA Officer: I told him he chickensh*t!
Ethan: (waiting to present boarding pass) Yeah, f*ck that guy.
TSA Officer: (stares at Ethan)
Ethan: I’m sorry, uh…(clears throat)…is there pre-check at this airport?
TSA Officer: No. (long pause…leans in) But I like your spirit.
Submitted by Billy
Billy: I’ll give you some privacy while you change your shirt.
Billy: What? ”Why?” Because I don’t want to see that!
Grandma: Oh. Yeah, I don’t like ‘em either.
Mom: Which celebrity was interviewed?
Ethan: You don’t know him. Nas.
Mom: I know Nas. He’s a black rapper.
Ethan: He’s a black rapper?
Mom: He’s not a black rapper?
Ethan: He is, but why do you need to specify his race along with his profession?
Mom: I was just letting you know I know exactly who he is.
Submitted by Hunter
Mom: Drive safely, okay?
Whitney: We’ll take some shots before we head out.
Hunter: (mimes driving with her eyes closed)
Mom: Okay, okay. And you can all go mushrooming.
Whitney: She means ‘shrooming. Like, psychedelics.
Mom: No, I didn’t.
Whitney: Then what are you talking about?
Mom: I mean those morons that go out into the woods and pick mushrooms without having any idea which ones are poisonous.
Dad: Can I ask you something about Facebook?
Dad: Ever since you signed me up, I get all these goddamned messages: “Joe Shmegegge wants to be your friend.” Joe Shmegegge? Who is Joe Shmegegge?? I get requests all day from this guy, and that guy…what is this? Who ARE all these people, and WHY DO THEY WANT TO BE MY FRIEND??