An Actual Conversation While Driving to a Dave and Ethan Show in Syracuse, NY

Dave:  Man, you’re a terrible driver.

Ethan:  Look, we both have complimentary strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes us a good team.

Dave:  Right, we’re like Apple: I’m Steve Jobs, and you’re the fat guy.

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An Actual Conversation with Joel’s Mom About the Flu

Submitted by Joel, The Daily Guru

Mom:  So, I hear the flu is bad in New York City.

Joel:  Eh, you know, the media likes to make stories where they don’t need to.  It sells papers.

Mom:  Oh, I’m not worried — you won’t get the flu.

Joel:  Yeah, me and my magic immune system…

Mom:  Not so much that as your combination of slightly-OCD hand washing and legendary anti-social behavior.

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An Actual Conversation with Myself, Upon Waking From a Dream

This is an actual email I sent to myself at 4:36AM upon briefly waking from a dream:

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From: Ethan Fixell <efixell@gmail.com>                                          4:36 AM (1 day ago)

To: Me <efixell@gmail.com>

It would be funny to Karioke heavy songs like by Korn or Distubred in a really effimnate voice and sing wrobg words: Like “Everybody dance, everyone have fun” to that “OOOAHAHAHA” song. but in between songs you could be manly and broey like andy kaufman singing Migthy mouse.

 

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An Actual Conversation with a Guy on the Train Wearing Lots of Axe Body Spray

Submitted by Jake

Man:  I’m sorry, a can of Axe exploded in my bag while I was working out.  When I changed back into my clothes, they smelled like this.

Jake:  Uh huh…

Man:  It’s true!  …I must smell awful.

Jake:  Like Axe. It’s OK.

Man:  I could change back into my workout clothes, but they’re all ripped and smell like sweat.

Jake:  (focusing on phone)  Okay.

Man:  Here?

Jake:  What?

Man:  You want me to change here?

Jake:  What?  No.

Man:  I know, I’ll put my gym clothes on over these clothes. (opens bag and puts on sweatpants and a “Pussy Magnet” workout shirt) .…Well, now I smell like sweat AND Axe. 

Jake:  (silence)

Man:  This was a terrible idea.  I’m taking this off, okay?

Jake:  (silence)

Man:  (takes off the sweat pants and workout shirt…long pause) Just deal with it, okay buddy??  I’m getting off at the next stop.  Jesus…some people.

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An Actual Conversation with a TSA Agent at DCA Airport in Washington

TSA Officer:  I told that mothaf*cka — I told him he can’t do that…. 

TSA Officer 2:  Mmm hmm.

TSA Officer:  I told him he chickensh*t!

Ethan:  (waiting to present boarding pass)  Yeah, f*ck that guy.

TSA Officer:  (stares at Ethan)

Ethan:  I’m sorry, uh…(clears throat)…is there pre-check at this airport?

TSA Officer:  No.  (long pause…leans in)  But I like your spirit.

TSA at Washington DCA Reagan