Submitted by Hunter
Mom: Drive safely, okay?
Whitney: We’ll take some shots before we head out.
Hunter: (mimes driving with her eyes closed)
Mom: Okay, okay. And you can all go mushrooming.
Whitney: She means ‘shrooming. Like, psychedelics.
Mom: No, I didn’t.
Whitney: Then what are you talking about?
Mom: I mean those morons that go out into the woods and pick mushrooms without having any idea which ones are poisonous.
Dad: Can I ask you something about Facebook?
Dad: Ever since you signed me up, I get all these goddamned messages: “Joe Shmegegge wants to be your friend.” Joe Shmegegge? Who is Joe Shmegegge?? I get requests all day from this guy, and that guy…what is this? Who ARE all these people, and WHY DO THEY WANT TO BE MY FRIEND??
Girlfriend: Are you glad to be home?
Girlfriend: Do you have enough to keep yourself busy?
Ethan: Oh, yeah! I have TV, video games, and I have you now.
Girlfriend: Aww, that’s so sweet!
Girlfriend: You have me to make you happy!
Ethan: Oh. I, uh…I actually meant YouNow.com. It’s a website.
Girlfriend: Oh. (long pause) Well, this is awkward.
Dad: Have you tried Fresh Direct?
Ethan: Yup, they’re great.
Dad: Yeah, I love them. They have all that healthy, organic stuff. Like…antibiotic chicken salad.
Submitted by Ginny
Ginny: Excuse me? I asked for Diet Coke. This is Dr. Pepper.
Concession Guy: Oh, we didn’t have Diet Coke. So I gave you Dr. Pepper instead.
Ginny: Do you have anything diet?
Concession Guy: Of course, we have Diet Pepsi. Why, do you want that?