Girlfriend: Oh, gross. Did you fart?
Girlfriend: It stinks!
Ethan: Oh, whatever, it’s not like you’ve never done it before.
Girlfriend: At least I dont do it under the covers like a…Russian…Piano…
Ethan: You mean a “Dutch Oven?”
Girlfriend: Whatever, same thing.
Dave: Man, you’re a terrible driver.
Ethan: Look, we both have complimentary strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes us a good team.
Dave: Right, we’re like Apple: I’m Steve Jobs, and you’re the fat guy.
Submitted by Joel, The Daily Guru
Mom: So, I hear the flu is bad in New York City.
Joel: Eh, you know, the media likes to make stories where they don’t need to. It sells papers.
Mom: Oh, I’m not worried — you won’t get the flu.
Joel: Yeah, me and my magic immune system…
Mom: Not so much that as your combination of slightly-OCD hand washing and legendary anti-social behavior.
This is an actual email I sent to myself at 4:36AM upon briefly waking from a dream:
From: Ethan Fixell <firstname.lastname@example.org> 4:36 AM (1 day ago)
To: Me <email@example.com>
It would be funny to Karioke heavy songs like by Korn or Distubred in a really effimnate voice and sing wrobg words: Like “Everybody dance, everyone have fun” to that “OOOAHAHAHA” song. but in between songs you could be manly and broey like andy kaufman singing Migthy mouse.
Submitted by Jake
Man: I’m sorry, a can of Axe exploded in my bag while I was working out. When I changed back into my clothes, they smelled like this.
Jake: Uh huh…
Man: It’s true! …I must smell awful.
Jake: Like Axe. It’s OK.
Man: I could change back into my workout clothes, but they’re all ripped and smell like sweat.
Jake: (focusing on phone) Okay.
Man: You want me to change here?
Jake: What? No.
Man: I know, I’ll put my gym clothes on over these clothes. (opens bag and puts on sweatpants and a “Pussy Magnet” workout shirt) .…Well, now I smell like sweat AND Axe.
Man: This was a terrible idea. I’m taking this off, okay?
Man: (takes off the sweat pants and workout shirt…long pause) Just deal with it, okay buddy?? I’m getting off at the next stop. Jesus…some people.