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An Actual Conversation with My Mom About An Idea for a Restaurant

Fri, 24 May 2013 13:41:00 -0400

Mom: Ethan — I thought of the worst possible name for a seafood restaurant.

Ethan: …And what would that be?

Mom: “Sphincter Mussels!”

Ethan: Oh, Jesus.

Mom: I think it’s so funny!

Ethan: (starts typing into phone)

Mom: No…Don’t write this down for your website. Please… You know what? I’m just not gonna talk anymore.

An Actual Conversation with my Girlfriend About Personal Hygiene

Thu, 16 May 2013 10:04:00 -0400

Girlfriend: I don’t want to shower tonight.

Ethan: Did you shower this morning?

Girlfriend: No.

Ethan: Ew, that’s gross. You can’t not shower everyday.

Girlfriend: Says who?

Ethan: That’s the common standard! Everyone showers once a day.

Girlfriend: Not homeless people.

An Actual Conversation with my Brother About Online Dating

Thu, 09 May 2013 12:37:23 -0400

Ethan: So? How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go? Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?

Andrew: Dude, you “guaranteed” an 80% response rate.

Ethan: And…

Andrew: And only ONE girl wrote back.

Ethan: Well, we only went after girls who reply “very selectively”…. Give it some time.

Andrew: No. Forget it. You’re a sham. You’re like the Bernie Madoff of online dating.

An Actual Conversation with a Manhattanite Friend After Partying in Brooklyn

Thu, 02 May 2013 12:34:09 -0400

Ethan: Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.

Friend: Yeah, dude. Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.

An Actual Conversation with Andrea's 6-Year-Old Son about Her Birthday

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 10:01:00 -0400

Andrea: Today is my birthday!

6-Year-Old-Son: How old are you, Mom?

Andrea: I’m 50.

6-Year-Old-Son: (to a stranger) My Mom doesn’t look a day older than when she was 49.

An Actual Conversation with My Family While Sharing a Hotel Room in Salt Lake City

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 11:00:16 -0400

Ethan: I can’t believe I volunteered to sleep on this thing. This pull-out sucks.

Andrew: Have fun on that tonight, while I’m in my regular human-bed.

Ethan: And this blanket — it’s disgusting.

Dad: (half asleep already, mumbling) Maybe you should blacklight it for semen stains.

An Actual Conversation with Scott's Mom About the Internet

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:00:15 -0400

Submitted by Scott

Mom: I wasn’t able to load contacts into my email, and the computer started running really slow, so I called Outlook and they helped me out.

Scott: You called “Outlook?”

Mom: Yep, Microsoft Outlook. They walked me through the problem. Turns out that people are getting onto my…not my Scottrade account…but onto my internet.

Scott: Your “internet?” Do you mean your network?

Mom: I’ve seen them outside, parked. We’re getting all of their viruses.

Scott: Wait, but — you don’t even use Outlook.

Mom: I used to use Firefox…

Scott: Fire…. Mom, that’s totally different. Firefox is a web browser. Outlook is email software. And you may have called Microsoft, which is a company. All unrelated.

Mom: Did I do something wrong?

Scott: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just not using the right words and as a result, this is making no sense.

Mom: (long pause) Is it because of the people getting onto my internet?

An Actual Conversation With My Family During a Utah Roadtrip

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 14:38:36 -0400

(Will.i.am and Britney Spears’s “Scream & Shout” plays on the car radio)

Brother: Ugh, change this.

Ethan: Jesus, what is this?

Dad: (turns the music up, nodding head)

Brother: Is this really still happening? Change it!

Dad: No! I like it while we’re driving. Makes me feel like we’re in a music video. (continues nodding)

An Actual Conversation with My Friend Amit in A Portsmouth, NH Hotel

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 14:04:00 -0400

Ethan: Want to see if we can get a drink?

Amit: Sure.

(Amit and Ethan leave their hotel room and search for a bar in lobby)

Ethan: Damn. There’s nothing down here.

Amit: (looks around, grabs a coffee stirrer)

Ethan: What the hell do you need that for?

Amit: I gotta get something out of this trip.

An Actual Conversation with Dan's Iranian Mother

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 12:27:51 -0400

Submitted by Dan Ahdoot

Mom: Deh girl from Zero Dark Thirty ees going out with a cunt!

Dan: A what?

Mom: A cunt.

Dan: What are you talking about?

Mom: A cunt! Like Cunt Dracula!

An Actual Conversation with An NYC Taxi Driver

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 14:16:11 -0400

Submitted by Morgan

Morgan: (realizes she has been sitting on a bag of cocaine) Um, excuse me? I think another passenger might have left some drugs in your car….

Driver: People never check! I drive all over town returning phones and wallets. Thanks for telling me, kid.

Morgan: Sure.

Driver: You know…I won’t judge if you take it. (pause) Maybe it’s a good day for an adventure?

An Actual Conversation While In Bed With My Girlfriend

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 12:17:00 -0500

Girlfriend: Oh, gross. Did you fart?

Ethan: Yeah.

Girlfriend: It stinks!

Ethan: Oh, whatever, it’s not like you’ve never done it before.

Girlfriend: At least I dont do it under the covers like a…Russian…Piano…

Ethan: You mean a “Dutch Oven?”

Girlfriend: Whatever, same thing.

An Actual Conversation While Driving to a Dave and Ethan Show in Syracuse, NY

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 15:33:00 -0500

Dave: Man, you’re a terrible driver.

Ethan: Look, we both have complimentary strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes us a good team.

Dave: Right, we’re like Apple: I’m Steve Jobs, and you’re the fat guy.

An Actual Conversation with Joel's Mom About the Flu

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 11:24:00 -0500

Submitted by Joel, The Daily Guru

Mom: So, I hear the flu is bad in New York City.

Joel: Eh, you know, the media likes to make stories where they don’t need to. It sells papers.

Mom: Oh, I’m not worried — you won’t get the flu.

Joel: Yeah, me and my magic immune system…

Mom: Not so much that as your combination of slightly-OCD hand washing and legendary anti-social behavior.

An Actual Conversation with Myself, Upon Waking From a Dream

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 13:41:00 -0500

This is an actual email I sent to myself at 4:36AM upon briefly waking from a dream:

———————————————————————-

From: Ethan Fixell <efixell@gmail.com> 4:36 AM (1 day ago)

To: Me <efixell@gmail.com>

It would be funny to Karioke heavy songs like by Korn or Distubred in a really effimnate voice and sing wrobg words: Like “Everybody dance, everyone have fun” to that “OOOAHAHAHA” song. but in between songs you could be manly and broey like andy kaufman singing Migthy mouse.

An Actual Conversation with a Guy on the Train Wearing Lots of Axe Body Spray

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 13:00:15 -0500

Submitted by Jake

Man: I’m sorry, a can of Axe exploded in my bag while I was working out. When I changed back into my clothes, they smelled like this.

Jake: Uh huh…

Man: It’s true! …I must smell awful.

Jake: Like Axe. It’s OK.

Man: I could change back into my workout clothes, but they’re all ripped and smell like sweat.

Jake: (focusing on phone) Okay.

Man: Here?

Jake: What?

Man: You want me to change here?

Jake: What? No.

Man: I know, I’ll put my gym clothes on over these clothes. (opens bag and puts on sweatpants and a “Pussy Magnet” workout shirt) .…Well, now I smell like sweat AND Axe.

Jake: (silence)

Man: This was a terrible idea. I’m taking this off, okay?

Jake: (silence)

Man: (takes off the sweat pants and workout shirt…long pause) Just deal with it, okay buddy?? I’m getting off at the next stop. Jesus…some people.

An Actual Conversation with a TSA Agent at DCA Airport in Washington

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 14:31:43 -0500

TSA Officer: I told that mothaf*cka — I told him he can’t do that….

TSA Officer 2: Mmm hmm.

TSA Officer: I told him he chickensh*t!

Ethan: (waiting to present boarding pass) Yeah, f*ck that guy.

TSA Officer: (stares at Ethan)

Ethan: I’m sorry, uh…(clears throat)…is there pre-check at this airport?

TSA Officer: No. (long pause…leans in) But I like your spirit.

An Actual Conversation with Billy's Grandma About Changing Clothes

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 13:00:37 -0500

Submitted by Billy

Billy: I’ll give you some privacy while you change your shirt.

Grandma: Why?

Billy: What? ”Why?” Because I don’t want to see that!

Grandma: Oh. Yeah, I don’t like ‘em either.

An Actual Conversation with My Mom About Hip-Hop

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 13:00:34 -0500

Mom: Which celebrity was interviewed?

Ethan: You don’t know him. Nas.

Mom: I know Nas. He’s a black rapper.

Ethan: He’s a black rapper?

Mom: He’s not a black rapper?

Ethan: He is, but why do you need to specify his race along with his profession?

Mom: I was just letting you know I know exactly who he is.

An Actual Conversation with Hunter's Mom About Driving Safely

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 13:36:48 -0500

Submitted by Hunter

Mom: Drive safely, okay?

Whitney: We’ll take some shots before we head out.

Hunter: (mimes driving with her eyes closed)

Mom: Okay, okay. And you can all go mushrooming.

Hunter: What?

Whitney: She means ‘shrooming. Like, psychedelics.

Mom: No, I didn’t.

Whitney: Then what are you talking about?

Mom: I mean those morons that go out into the woods and pick mushrooms without having any idea which ones are poisonous.