Submitted by Alex
Homeless Sax Man: (sights hot girl) Hey, girl. I’d like to satisfy all your wildest carnival desires.
Hot Subway Girl: (promptly departs)
Alex: …Did you mean “carnal?”
Homeless Sax Man: (ignores and starts playing saxaphone) Ladies and gentlemen, if you give me some money, then I will STOP PLAYING.
Submitted by Joel, The Daily Guru
Mom: So, I hear the flu is bad in New York City.
Joel: Eh, you know, the media likes to make stories where they don’t need to. It sells papers.
Mom: Oh, I’m not worried — you won’t get the flu.
Joel: Yeah, me and my magic immune system…
Mom: Not so much that as your combination of slightly-OCD hand washing and legendary anti-social behavior.