Submitted by Alex
Homeless Sax Man: (sights hot girl) Hey, girl. I’d like to satisfy all your wildest carnival desires.
Hot Subway Girl: (promptly departs)
Alex: …Did you mean “carnal?”
Homeless Sax Man: (ignores and starts playing saxaphone) Ladies and gentlemen, if you give me some money, then I will STOP PLAYING.
Submitted by Scott
Mom: I wasn’t able to load contacts into my email, and the computer started running really slow, so I called Outlook and they helped me out.
Scott: You called “Outlook?”
Mom: Yep, Microsoft Outlook. They walked me through the problem. Turns out that people are getting onto my…not my Scottrade account…but onto my internet.
Scott: Your “internet?” Do you mean your network?
Mom: I’ve seen them outside, parked. We’re getting all of their viruses.
Scott: Wait, but — you don’t even use Outlook.
Mom: I used to use Firefox…
Scott: Fire…. Mom, that’s totally different. Firefox is a web browser. Outlook is email software. And you may have called Microsoft, which is a company. All unrelated.
Mom: Did I do something wrong?
Scott: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just not using the right words and as a result, this is making no sense.
Mom: (long pause) Is it because of the people getting onto my internet?
Submitted by Hunter
Mom: Drive safely, okay?
Whitney: We’ll take some shots before we head out.
Hunter: (mimes driving with her eyes closed)
Mom: Okay, okay. And you can all go mushrooming.
Whitney: She means ‘shrooming. Like, psychedelics.
Mom: No, I didn’t.
Whitney: Then what are you talking about?
Mom: I mean those morons that go out into the woods and pick mushrooms without having any idea which ones are poisonous.
Submitted by Ginny
Ginny: Excuse me? I asked for Diet Coke. This is Dr. Pepper.
Concession Guy: Oh, we didn’t have Diet Coke. So I gave you Dr. Pepper instead.
Ginny: Do you have anything diet?
Concession Guy: Of course, we have Diet Pepsi. Why, do you want that?
Submitted by Lilia
Post Office Lady: How many passports did you say you’ve been issued?
Post Office Lady: (pause) And how many are you in possession of today?
Lilia: Zero. …But I have copies of all of them.
Post Office Lady: Do you have a valid driver’s license?
Lilia: No. But I have my expired license… Or at least, a copy of it. And the temporary slip from the DMV for a new one…
Post Office Lady: Social security card?
Lilia: Will a copy work?
Post Office Lady: (stares at Lilia)
Lilia: I also have three registered copies of my birth certificate, my last four paystubs, copies of every credit card and drivers license ever issued in my name, one college and one high school yearbook, my hospital-embossed baby footprint page…and I can get my mother in here.
Post Office Lady: (loud sigh) Well, sweetie, at least you’re in touch with your “challenge areas.”